Girlfriend only does anal to please me

[PuckerUp]

A bit about me: I'm a male anal fanatic, and I would like to have as much anal sex as possible in relationships. However, I'm fine with vaginal sex as well to make a woman happy, as long as I still get to have lots of anal. Here goes...

Long story short, my girlfriend doesn't like anal, but is doing it just to please me, and I'm just not sure that's good enough. Psychologically, it's a turn-off for her (she's very vanilla), and furthermore, she claims her anus and rectum simply aren't that sensitive. She doesn't feel pain when I do things to her ass, but doesn't feel pleasure, either. It's a numb, neutral, slightly annoying feeling, as if someone is poking her on the chin or something. Interestingly enough, she's even offered to pretend to like it, but I just don't know if that will be enough for me.

Anyway, to the people at anal only lifestyle, I ask the following questions:

1) This is for the men primarily, but if you're a woman, substitute female pronouns for male ones. If your partner was willing to engage in all the anal sex you wanted with her, but she clearly disliked it, and was only doing it to make you happy, would that be a dealbreaker? What if she was willing to pretend to enjoy it? Would you be willing to play along, assuming you both realize that she's acting?

2) Does anyone have any ideas of things my girlfriend can do during anal sex, considering she's not enjoying herself, besides pretending to like it or being silent the whole time?

3) Can you think of any reason why a girl wouldn't feel anything from anal play? Is it the case that we're simply all born with differing levels of sensitivity in different parts of our bodies, and my girlfriend was given the genetic curse of having an insensitive anus? Furthermore, is there anything I can do to increase the sensation, particularly the pleasurable sensations? For instance, I'd be happy to be rougher with her, if that has a chance of helping.

4) Is it possible for someone who is turned off by the psychological component of anal sex (i.e., the very idea of it) to grow to like it?

5) Based on your own past experiences, what's your prognosis of a situation like this? Do you think relationships with this degree of sexual incompatibility are doomed, or do you think there's hope in situations like these?

Anyway, I could use your help. Our relationship is great in many other respects, but I fear that we're hopelessly sexually incompatible.

[Canassman]

[quote][/quote]

1) Well, in all honesty I think this is how my wife and I began. I know she did it just for me and did not feel any pleasure from the act. I suppose in my youth and desire I was ok with her doing it for me so that I could experience what I desired - however, in the back of my mind I always had some level of guilt about that. I began to focus more on how to make the overall experience pleasureable for her as well.

2) Is she playing with he clit? her nipples? Have u purchased a vibrator for her to use on her clit? Is there a form of porn she likes that she could be watching? Are you giving her the positive feedback that others have mentioned? Telling her how much you enjoy it? how hot and tight it is?

3) I don't think my wife (then GF) received any pleasure to begin with either - primarily because she thought she wasn't supposed to - anal is "dirty" and "nor normal". I think there's a lot of societal pressure to unpack when one starts on this path. We both read and researched lots of sex-positive material over the years and that helped her understand that any action between 2 loving adults is OK - and maybe even more than OK! I have always given her links to articles, etc. that support anal as normal, fun, etc. As others have mentioned here in other advice as well - LOTS of positive feedback when not having sex - thanks for taking part in it, being more attentive and loving, letting her know that anal makes you feel more connected, you have a greater sense of intimacy, thank her for trusting you to take her that way - recognize that it takes a lot of trust to let your partner anally penetrate you. Be considerate of her and make sure she understands that the anal is making you feel more loving to her.

4) Yes - my wife is proof. All the porn we watch is anally focussed. We have lived most of our 25+ married life doing anal - increasing so that as of 2015 we are anal only. She now loves me to play with her, perform analingus, loves the feeling of the initial penetration, and orgasms during anal - sometimes hands free.

5) It can work if you both want it to. Be GGG - (check out Dan Savage for an explanation of GGG)

[mardobolo]

Canassman has excellent advice OP. I don't have much to add beyond what he said very eloquently.

Have you ever had something in your butt? To say the least it takes some getting used to! You have to expect this will take time, unless you find one of those rare one in a thousand women who loves anal from moment she tries it.

My wife started out much the same as your girlfriend. She didn't hate it but it was kind of ho-hum. I did two things. First, I made sure that she understands how important anal is to me. Not as a negative thing (talking down vaginal sex), but as a positive "this is the best sex of my life!" way. Before, during, and after I would tell her how awesome it felt and how much I loved her. I would text her little kinky notes the next day.

The second thing I did was get her a good vibrator (Hitachi Magic Wand) and she learned to have orgasms while I was in her ass. This didn't happen overnight! But when it did start happening then things completely turned a corner. We still usually start with vaginal, but for the last year we've had anal every time we have sex. I would say you have a good shot of getting to a similar place with your girlfriend if you're patient and work on it together.

[PuckerUp]

2) Is she playing with he clit? her nipples? Have u purchased a vibrator for her to use on her clit? Is there a form of porn she likes that she could be watching? Are you giving her the positive feedback that others have mentioned? Telling her how much you enjoy it? how hot and tight it is?

I haven't done much of this. I tried this at first, but from talking about it, she'd rather not "ruin" (not her exact words) a positive experience like stimulating her clit by combining it with a negative experience like anal stimulation. To me, this indicates a sort of attitude problem that needs to be overcome.

5) It can work if you both want it to. Be GGG - (check out Dan Savage for an explanation of GGG)

Yup, I stumbled across that acronym in an article of his. Haven't discussed it with the girlfriend, though; I probably should do some more reading on it and send her some links.

Have you ever had something in your butt? To say the least it takes some getting used to! You have to expect this will take time, unless you find one of those rare one in a thousand women who loves anal from moment she tries it.

I actually enjoy receiving anal stimulation as much as I like giving it. She's done all sorts of things to my ass, and it's clear that she doesn't enjoy that, either, but is doing it to make me happy. Obviously, this is most indicative of a psychological issue with anal, since I imagine it couldn't be causing any physical discomfort for her.

But yes, it took me a while to get used to it, too. The difference is, at some point early in my life, I had formed the belief that the anus is a sexual organ, for both myself and others. So that initial period of discomfort was worth it. It was also pretty short-lived.

I'm really curious about how most girls that are into anal managed to get interested in it. It seems like the narrative I read in this forum is of a boyfriend/husband slowly exposing them to it. But I have to imagine there are other ways. To me, my ideal partner would be someone who has been looking at anal porn since they were 13 (like I had been).

Anyway, regardless, I've been with women with whom anal wasn't a difficult obstacle like it is now. Women who had some prior experience (however limited), and who saw the anus (theirs and/or mine) in a sexual light.

But it's good to know that anal fanatics can be made, not born. If I can believe what I've read on this forum (in this topic and others), nearly any woman can learn to love anal. Still, I think selection bias is pretty huge here. I would guess that there are probably many more men in the general public who have tried for years, unsuccessfully, to get their wives interested in anal, than there are men who managed to turn an uninterested wife into someone who went anal-only. It's simply that, if a man was unsuccessful, he wouldn't stumble across an "anal only" forum; anal "every now an then" would be sufficient.

Anyway, thanks so much for your responses. I will try to re-introduce clitoral stimulation, and await additional answers to my questions.

[PuckerUp]

Also, Canassman, to your question about porn and vibrators, she dislikes both. She's about as vanilla as they come; I wonder if that changes things.

[Canassman]

Well, no porn or vibrators... I guess I'd play up the emotional connection the most then. Thoughtful, appreciative (not begging and sad tho), highlight how connected u feel and how intimate it is, and acknowledge the trust she is showing by taking part. If u ever feel it's safe you could have a discussion about it in more detail - e.g. what did she think about anal and the people who did it prior to u? What does she think about it now? etc. but you know her best and r the only one that can gauge that conversation. Just thinking she might be able to confront negative socialization vs the actual experience as a loving act, etc.

[mardobolo]

Still, I think selection bias is pretty huge here. I would guess that there are probably many more men in the general public who have tried for years, unsuccessfully, to get their wives interested in anal, than there are men who managed to turn an uninterested wife into someone who went anal-only. It's simply that, if a man was unsuccessful, he wouldn't stumble across an "anal only" forum; anal "every now an then" would be sufficient.

It is absolutely true there is selection bias in this forum. If the numbers are to be believed, only 30% or so of women have ever tried anal a single time, let alone made it a consistent part of sex. So the people who hang out here are in a very specific slice of human experience.

That being said, the 30% number was more like 3-5% even just twenty years ago. Because of the internet everyone has access to anal porn, and with that has grown the popularity of anal sex. Most of the attractive female porn stars today receive anal in their films, and when young women watch porn it's a given they will see what these attractive women do and seek to emulate them in their own lives. It's how fashions and hairstyles spread, and it now applies to sex because of the internet. Many of us here feel that anal sex is at a tipping point in widespread cultural acceptance.

The other common thread I've noticed with many of the couples here is that often anal enters a relationship later, well after the kids are born. Many women become more confident and experimental with their sexuality starting sometime in their 30s, and this is often accompanied by a higher libido. In short they become a lot more like horny guys. When my wife went through that transition it completely overhauled our sex lives, and anal was just one of the outcomes. The age phenomenon isn't unique to anal; you'll find a similar trend if you look at other "niche" activities like wife swapping, etc., where couples often start these activities in their 30s or later. There is something magical about women as they age a bit.

Of course that isn't especially helpful to you as a (I infer) young person. But if you love someone and can tolerate not having exactly what you want on day 1, and you're both willing to be GGG and patient, then over time you'll find you and your partner's sexual preferences drifting together, not apart.

In general I always find it difficult to give concrete advice through a forum, since every situation is personal and different. When I hear your story I feel there are some encouraging signs, but then I am an optimist! Also, to me most of what makes a relationship great are not sexual things, but factors like personal compatibility, and shared values and life goals. In a forum like this we tend to focus on our anal exploits (back to your point on selection bias), but speaking for myself there are a multitude of things I adore about my wife that are even more important than her happy willingness to take it in the ass.

[LuvMyWifesAss]

Well, no porn or vibrators... I guess I'd play up the emotional connection the most then. Thoughtful, appreciative (not begging and sad tho), highlight how connected u feel and how intimate it is, and acknowledge the trust she is showing by taking part.

Great response Canassman. I wholeheartedly concur. If there is opportunity for her to come around, this is most likely it. I believe there's hope, as she has already agreed to having anal sex.

[taylork]

You know you could look on the positive side that she doesn't say anal hurts like many girls do when they start out. That and shes happy to go on giving that to you anyway. Thats got to prove how far shes willing to go for you. What i've learned is that a gf who's willing to make that effort and do stuff because she really loves you beats all the rest.

Is she like enjoying the vaginal or other sex as maybe she has a problem with sex in general?

I feel hopeful for you guys as i believe anal sex is so natural that everyone can come to like it. Just keep on having anal with her as often as you are able to normalize it and she could start to think and feel differently.

[LuvMyWifesAss]

How often do you have anal sex now? Maybe part of the problem is that she doesn't do it often enough for her body to become accustomed to it. One method a number of people here have used successfully is to propose a month of anal only. You can Let her know it's a fantasy of yours, or propose it for a special occasion, like you birthday month, Christmas, or Cinco de Mayo. Then, if she accepts, try to have anal at least three times a week. This will allow her body to become accustomed to regular anal sex. Once she is comfortable with it, she will have the opportunity to explore how it feels and begin to enjoy it.

Some here, including myself, even feel the regular insemination of her rectum will allow her body to absorb more of the substances in your ejaculate that help her Build positive feelings about anal sex.

Of course, positive reinforcement is key. During anal sex do as much as possible to make the experience positive for her. Let her know verbally how much you enjoy it and appreciate that she is willing to do it for you. Let her know you feel closer and more connected to her. Stimulate her breasts and clit, rub her back, etc. At times when you've had anal sex, make her feel like a queen outside of bed as well. Conversely, you want to limit stimulation and positive reinforcement at times when you have vaginal sex. Of course, you shouldn't make this obvious. Some may consider this manipulation. However, if it brings both of you to a better, closer relationship, it benefits both of you.

Keep us updated, and let us know if you have any other questions.