Anal Only Lifestyle Forum

I used to use Fetlife to try and meet people, but it never went anywhere because I started having a lot of concerns about getting involved with anyone from communities like this where the first things you know about someone are their sexual interests (since we are all kinda here for the same reason). Hypothetically, if I talk to somebody who seems interesting, how do I know they're not just putting a lot of things aside because they think I'm kinky in bed? If you put so much value in sex, how can you find somebody you really connect with and love outside of bed? If I met somebody I really, really liked, I would give up anal sex altogether if they weren't really interested in it...but some part of me worries other people don't feel the same way I guess, and I'd really screw myself by putting myself out there in a community like Fetlife or the AO forum. I know I'm not the only person out there who would LOVE to find somebody who is anal only who I can also connect with. But I just worry there are so many people out there who think it's a requisite for a satisfying relationship. Always in the back of my mind I wonder if whatever "connection" I could have with someone is just because they want one thing and don't take me seriously, and if they do take me seriously, they're going to put a lot of things aside just because I'm, open to whatever in the bedroom...So HOW do I know they really are attracted to ME and not just putting all of my flaws (there are many) aside to have this one thing that seems to matter more than ANYTHING else? Because I HATE the idea more than anything of someone being nice to me or stringing me along. I've dealt with that enough IRL but I feel like I would be exposed to a lot more of that with online dating. You don't think I'm funny? Cool, tell me. You think I'm stupid? Great, tell me that too. You think I'm annoying? Just do that then too! But don't string me along because buttsex is all you want and all that matters for you. If anyone can please give me their perspectives and maybe some advice, I'd be really grateful.

I wonder how important being “anal only” is for your relationships? For single people: if you met somebody you really connected with, and who was ideal in every way possible, but they weren't open to anal sex let alone being anal only, would you move on and look for somebody else?

Just because you asked — I'd say you're confused and conflicted (but hopefully we'll dissipate that).

The reason why you're conflicted seems to stem from the fact that you're looking/searching for the finish line without wanting/taking the race into consideration (sorry, I'm terrible with metaphors).

As I always try to point out, sex (ideally) is a byproduct of love (at least to some extent) felt towards the other with which you're about to engage in the act of lovemaking. One of the problems, though, is that we live in extremely anxious and solipsistic times; if you add to that the easiness for everybody to look for sex, be in form of images, videos or whatever, and you have an entire population learning and experimenting sex all by themselves (which completely underthrows/overthrows its very purpose). This, in turn, leaves these very people, unknowingly or not, relating to sex in a totally perverted (objectified) way, so the person with which they engage in the act isn't even secondary but altogether completely neglected. The need stems from anxiety, not love, so the target is relief, not a purposeful and/or meaningful consequence of a heightened feeling.

I wouldn't be so naive as to think only sex related dating sites are victim of those shortcomings (since this view is worldwide culturally spread), but they certainly favor them in one of the most significant parts of a relationship, which is lovemaking. As I also tend to point out, women are keener in perceiving the fine points of lovemaking better than men due to their natural (on average) empathetic nature, so your realization is totally justifiable. When two people make love to each other, the act, if it is to exist with the least of dignity, must be mutual. You're not making love to a penis any more than he's making love to an anus. The tragedy is that this objectification is on an all time high, so you and many others are treated as means to an end rather than an end itself, leading everything and everybody completely hollow and interchangeable. :/

Answering your last questions... the importance, for me, is dependent on the person I'm with at the moment. I like it "by itself" for all the meaning and symbolism it carries, but I couldn't like it alone, so... if the person I'm with is not into anal, I'd say we would slowly walk towards it since I would be trying to convey its meaning, its pleasures, its depthness, the importance and relevance of the act to me and therefore to us. When there's love and you can see and be through the other, scarce anything can be unpleasant.

You make a good point about relationships, for all the talk that goes on around here about the physical aspects of anal sex it's the relationship that provides the interest and the spice otherwise we'd all be happy to meet our needs from a collection of sex toys

Personally, I see AO as just another part of my identity, like the music I prefer, the books I read, the sports I follow, and the food I prefer. These are the things we all talk about when we meet someone new in order to find out if they're 'right' for us. Conversations about sex can open a bit awkwardly, but don't fret - the other person is going to be just as keen to talk about it as you are.

If AO is important to you then you're more likely to be happy with someone who shares that view, because it's about a lot more than what's going on between your legs. It signifies that you've taken the trouble to identify your needs, and pursue them, that you're not daunted by taking a path that not everyone approves of, that you're prepared to take on the challenge about learning a skill that involves the most intimate parts of you. If you think that way then you're probably going to be thinking differently about many other parts of your life too. Do you really want to spend your life with someone who doesn't appreciate that?

Thanks for all your answers so far and making some sense out of what I was trying to say and ask. I wanted to somehow make a poll for clarity but I ended up with a wall of text instead. Heh.

I'm still really confused and I don't think there are any easy answers to a lot of my worries, other than I should try to put myself out there more when I'm ready to and try to be honest and assertive about what I need when it comes to discussing/having sex. But I'm done with dating websites or getting attached to people online, because it's way too easy to be skeptical about intentions. And if you're not skeptical then you get played.

Dear scioness,
forgive me for my synthetical answer I'm gonna put down but I'm a bit tired now (but still wanna answer!)

Well, first you know I'm a virgin so my opinion might not matter so much compared to others. Anyway... I simply would put the issue under a mathematical point of view: If I wanna search for a possible companion, it's logical starting with seeking first the most unlikely widespread quality (=AO) among people. This way once you select possible mates maybe their number is smaller than you expected, but next hoped characteristics should be easier to find.

And you can never be sure not to be cheated for hidden reasons, I guess. You must be able to understand and trust the people you're interested to by speaking with them for a long time, then you'll come to know their personality more faithfully.

I remember you I'm not monogamic in my theoretical thinking, so the problem of "moving along doesn't concern me so much"

In any case: if I were very fascinated by anyone, then maybe I would not be asking for AO as an out out, but once again it's important noticing I am not monogamic in my theoretical thinking

Hope my limited experience and dubious wisdom have helped you