Terrible sex life

[John]

I know I'm probably not the only one in this situation but my sex life is no where near as good as everyone else here. My wife no longer wants to do anal or oral, every time we did it she said it was only for me and that she didn't like it and it was uncomfortable. What I don't get is she had some of the best orgasms she has ever had while doing anal but she said she didn't like it but now we don't do anything but regular boring sex, I would rather masterbate than have sex. Please someone tell me there is light at the end of the tunnel, we have been together almost nine years and married all but three and it's really depressing that I don't even really want to have sex with my wife anymore.

[Sir Butts-a-Lot]

Hey John, I certainly can feel your plight! Now as much as I don’t like to admit it, I barely have ANY sex either because finding a woman is incredibly hard while working on my degree and online doesn’t seem to help either! When I do find a woman it’s rare they stay in my life for more than a couple months as things always tend to fade At least you have a partner for one here if we are looking at just the positives for a minute So don’t get too down as you might be able to change things around with some communication on how you enjoy it and you will do things to please her in return. You may have to essentially “retrain” her to enjoy anal again. I know I’ve had to disassociate pain from some women’s previous anal experiences from ex’s who didn’t know what they were doing (aka no lube ) So I’ve found what works is associating anal with good feelings for a woman. Sometimes it’s as simple as just rubbing the asshole while playing with their pussy, after all AO doesn’t happen overnight! This stage may even take weeks, then maybe introduce some fingering once in her mind the butt is associated with pleasure again and then move onto buttplugs etc. that’s some basic ideas to get you started at least!

[John]

I have tried telling her how much I love it but it doesn't do any good because all she says is I know but I'm still not doing it and she doesn't even want me touching it that much she will let me lick on it but thats about it. I have almost lost hope for a good sex life, and she wonders why I seem in a bad mood all the time. Like I said I would rather masterbate than have sex.

[Sgt_Valk]

Have you told her that you would rather masturbate than have vaginal sex?

[John]

I have told her several times and she don't seem to care and when I ask her to compromise she says I'm being selfish so I'm almost to the point that I'm just not going to do anything sexual.

[AnnoMundi]

I have told her several times and she don't seem to care and when I ask her to compromise she says I'm being selfish so I'm almost to the point that I'm just not going to do anything sexual.

If she knows you have sexual needs and she doesn't want to fulfill them, then who is the selfish one? If you have a child and its hungry, do you not feed it? If a child cries, do you not comfort it? If you didn't you'd be called a negligent parent. A wife, or a husband for that matter, who refuses to take care of the spouse's sexual needs is basically negligent. Is refusing to have sex because you no longer want to any less selfish then pressuring your partner to have sex against their will?

I reckon the best thing to do would be to seek professional counseling, and not from anonymous people on an internet board. This could be a symptom of greater problems underneath the horizon. Do remember though that in any relationship power rests with the one who cares less. This is why pickup artists recommend men to adopt an aloof uncaring mindset. To adopt the mentality that if one girl refuses to put out you'd just go on to the next one. Which is a bit hard to do in a marriage, but right now, she cares the least, so power rests with her. But again, that's internet 'wisdom'. Seek professional counseling! And if that don't work, or she refuses, maybe then, and that's a big maybe, start thinking how much you still want this relationship.

[zarafan]

This sounds distressingly familiar to my last relationship: the first year/eighteen months was the best relationship of my life, not just sexually but emotionally and socially as well. I really felt like I had found the perfect woman for me and that definitely included the physical aspect. During this period my girlfriend was very enthusiastic about anal sex and she was multi-orgasmic, including some fantastic orgasms while I was in her ass. Happy days!

As the relationship progressed, she began to confess her misgivings particularly about anal sex, but over time toward sex in general, which became more infrequent and less extravagant. Within a year of her first confession to discontent, we had broken up.

The fact that some of her most intense orgasms occurred while we were having anal sex was insufficient incentive for her to like anal or to stay in the relationship. That doesn't make me--or you--a bad person or a selfish partner for wanting to have anal sex. When my girlfriend was happy to be with me, she was happy to have anal sex, genuinely happy I believe. When she was unhappy in the relationship, anal became one of the focuses for her dissatisfaction, but I think it was neither the cause nor the salvation for our relationship.

It sounds to me that there are general problems of communication and emotional connection that you and your partner need to work on. Sex is part of that problem, but not one you are going to be able to solve in isolation. I hope you will be able to talk with her about her general engagement in your relationship, and perhaps consider finding a counselor who will help you work through your issues. But I definitely think you need to take what she is saying seriously and try to understand that when she says she doesn't want anal sex, it isn't just anal sex that she is complaining about. Good luck!

[Sir Butts-a-Lot]

There’s all same great advice here John, yeah it seems as though if shes not going to be attentive to your needs that is rather selfish. Maybe have anal on weekends only or something? Make a compromise maybe with her eventually? But honestly counseling may help this situation asnits a lot tougher than for us single guys on here. I’m a couple years younger than you but I can only imagine your frustration because I’ve been there and had to break up because of no anal. It’s a delicate line to balance in getting mutually pleasurable things physically in a relationship.

[John]

Well I have two kids with her and I can't just leave and I do love her I just am bored with the sex to the point I don't feel like wasting the energy anymore.

[John]

That being said I have thought about counseling but I don't know how to go about suggesting it because she doesn't think anything is wrong with our relationship, but I have been longing for more of a variety that I have started just trying things on my own, and I feel weird about it because of some of the things I have come to like for instance when we first started trying anal she said if I wanted to do her I need to do myself first to see what it feels like so I did and I liked it. She thinks I'm weird for liking it but hell I'm just glad to have a change and I know I'm not gay because I watched a man on man porn to see what reaction I got and I wasn't turned on at all or even interested enough to be considered bi-sexual I just like to play with dildos but I think that is due to the boring sex life. It's just very frustrating that I can enjoy a nine inch dildo with about two or three inch girth and she can't try to compromise with me and I'm about six or seven inches with two or three inch girth.
Altho she did have surgery to remove hemorrhoids after our second daughter so I kinda see her hesitation but I wish she would at least comprise where she gives it to me at least once a month so I don't feel like I need to find a friend on the side but so far after talking and suggesting and almost begging there is still no anal and very little oral. Every now and then I can talk her into going down on me but for the most part she uses her chronic migraines to get out of it, I was able to talk her into using our strap on, on me for my birthday about two weeks ago but I could tell she didn't much care for that either altho it felt really good and I was able to go off without any masterbation but in the six years or so that we have had the strap on that's only the second maybe third time we have used it with the first two not being as enjoyable as this last time. Thank you to everyone for the advice, I definitely have alot to think about and hopefully figure something out soon before I go crazy.