Questions

Curious about the anal only lifestyle or anal sex in general but have questions or concerns? Ask away here.
uncertain
Posts: 31
Joined: Sun Apr 15, 2018 5:50 am
Gender: Female

Questions

Post by uncertain » Sun Apr 15, 2018 6:34 am

Hello.

Not sure where to start. I've been reading this forum on and off recently and it seems like the best place I've found so far to ask some questions. I'm looking for genuine advice from ordinary people in straight long term relationships. I say this because I feel I'm very conventional, as is my husband, and some of the posts (not all) here scare me frankly. Not into weird kink or dominance or anything like that, while some of the comments I've read describe behaviour not compatible with a healthy relationship as I know it.

That said, I don't want to cause offence and understand there is room in this world for all kinds, but I can't connect with some of the things outside of my experience.

Until very recently I had no idea this "anal only lifestyle" was a thing. Then again there is so much undiscovered out there unless you go looking for it, or it comes looking for you.

I'll explain my situation. I am concerned about my marriage and if it can be saved at this point. Our sex life has become a source of increasing tension, which began 2 years ago when we tried anal sex. I was okay with it and thought it was an interesting change, while my husband really loved it. As time has gone by he's asked for anal sex more and more frequently. I feel under pressure and it is not helping. When we do have vaginal sex then it's no fun either because it is almost as if he isn't there. So neither of us are satisfied.

As you can guess researching this situation brought me here. At first I thought the whole idea is crazy and half my mind says it still is. But here's the problem. If we don't find someway the bring back some passion into our love life we may be heading for divorce. I don't want that but the tension spreads over into everyday life and making us both miserable.

I'm prepared to do almost anything to save what we have but I'm not sure if I'll just make matters worse, by conceding or masking the difficulties we face. It has got to the point that he would rather go off in a bad mood than have vaginal sex with me. I am trying really hard to understand him. I want to make him happy. I want us both to be happy.

So in no particular order I'd like to know:

1) Is this just a phase he is going through? Will it burn out all by itself?
2) Am I being unfair/uptight in not giving in?
3) Has he lost interest in me as a woman?
4) If I allow frequent anal or only anal will it really help our situation?
5) If so would he then get bored with that and eventually develop some other fetish?
6) Will he still respect me, or is this a power thing? I don't like the idea of being coerced or used.
7) Will more frequent anal make it more enjoyable?
8) Anything I can do to make it better for either me or him?
9) Any regrets people have had on a similar path?
10) Am I just going to end up resentful?

I am trying really hard to keep and open mind and my options open. I really do love him.

Any realistic or sensible answers only please. Thank you for reading.

minorkeyes
Posts: 70
Joined: Sat May 06, 2017 9:05 am
Gender: Female

Re: Questions

Post by minorkeyes » Sun Apr 15, 2018 4:07 pm

Hello,

Firstly, anal sex will not save a marriage. I am sorry to be frank but I have seen no evidence giving in to one spouse's fantasies will fix the underlying problems in a marriage.

No one I have met who has tried a theresome, filming, roleplay, bondage or an 'open' marriage to fix their martial issues be they stemming from intimacy or non-sexual matters has succeeded.

I am sorry to say, but it often makes tense marriages worse.

Sex is joyous. The fun, intimacy and love of one another we humans share through sex biogicaly and psychological comes from the sharing of joy/mutual pleasure.

Anal sex will not fix what is broken. I am sorry, but I need to be frank here.

It seems like you are not that interested or do not derive the same pleasure from anal as your husband. You may give in today, be happy for a time, but there will come a point when your own frustration sexually will place you in the role your husband now occupies.

That's a bad place to place to put yourself and your husband, so to speak.

I have been married for years and have an unconventional marriage, admittedly. However, the entire reason I have been happy in my marriage is the result of mutual understanding of each others wants/desires. It is not easy, but communicate with your husband your wants and desires and even your fears.

Be honest about what is actually important to you and what will satisfy you in life- not just sex. Be open to what he has to say and as honest as you both have ever been with each other.

That said, let me address a few things so you don't walk away feeling you've been preached to;

1. None can say. We don't know him any better than we know you. Around this community you will find a lot of very enthusiastic participants. So there will be an inherent bias, the truth is we are all different in what turns our crank sexually.

2. No! Absolutely not. Your comfort and desires are every bit as valid as your husband's. No amount of 'giving in' will satisfy both of you if one party just does not run in the same direction. You must respect yourself enough to understand you do not have to 'give in' and must be respected in your feelings by others.

3. Probably not. People interested in anal are not necessarily uninterested in female charms (so to speak). They may just like something else about women. Think of it like this, heterosexual men with a fetish for feet do not necessarily have zero interest in vaginas. They are interested in a lady's feet, broadly speaking.

You are also not defined by your vagina. I understand you may feel quite feminine during vaginal intercourse (I do too & that's a wonderful feeling!), but your husband may not see you as any less feminine for being aroused by anal intercourse with you.

Some ladies like muscular men, some like skinny boys. It does not make a muscular or skinny man any less masculine because someone else has a particular attraction.

We are more than just sex organs. Be confident in yourself. You have all the agency you need.

4. Unlikely. Your husband is dissatisfied with something he desires. Not respecting your desires is not going to improve anything.

5. Who can say? Maybe its forbidden fruit right now. Maybe his new kink is even more in the realm of something you don't inherently want.

If it's not something you want then it is okay to express your feelings. It is een okay NOT to give in to something you do not have inherent pleasure in doing.

6. "Everything in life is about sex. Except sex, sex is about power." Duh.

7. Depends. Like most things, people can get used to anal given enough time and repetition.

Though if you don't enjoy anal sex inherently, why are you subjecting yourself to this? It's supposed to turn you BOTH on equally.

8. Lube. Lots of it. Go slow. You must relax. Recieving anal is all about relaxing and 'letting go' in a certain sense. If tense or apprehensive, it's not going to work well eventually.

9. I can't speak for others, but I knew as a teenager anal penetration was pleasurable to me. Opposite to your predicament, I was frustrated early on in my sexual experiences because I was getting missionary vaginal sex. When I hotly desired something else entirely. So no regrets in understanding what I wanted and needed out of my sexual partners. Life and sex improved dramatically when I was open with myself and partners.

10. Yes. I am sorry. What you are thinking of doing is not the way. I am so sorry.

Listen, you have no reason to believe or trust me at all. However, my day job is as an industrial psychologist. I am NOT under any circumstance offering you any clinical advice or diagnosis. Yet in my experience and knowledge, this is not about anal and your compromise is not going to make things better.

I would like for you to have an open & honest conversation with your husband. Seek couples therapy if need be, but this sounds like something with a lot of components that won't be resolved by you giving in to someone else's desire.

If you want to talk to someone, PM me. I'll listen for what it is worth.

I wish you the best of luck. Things will get better and you don't have to devalue yourself to get there.

uncertain
Posts: 31
Joined: Sun Apr 15, 2018 5:50 am
Gender: Female

Re: Questions

Post by uncertain » Mon Apr 16, 2018 2:54 am

Thank you minorkeyes for giving so much thought to your reply. I very much appreciate honesty. I am not expecting a quick and easy fix for our problems Nor am I so naive as to think everything can be resolved in the bedroom. I'm exploring different possibilities right now, seeing our sex life as one part of the problem. I do know that without intimacy a marriage is as good as dead.

The couples therapy is a good idea. I've been recommended a few contacts but have yet to sell my husband completely on the idea. I think he knows that we should do something now before the rot sets in.

I'd like to make clear that in no way am I saying that the relationship is on the verge of collapse. We have reached the point that I hear many couples do after several years, when reality sets in and some fine tuning is required.

Sex did used to be joyful and romantic. Perhaps we got stuck in a rut or weren't adventurous enough. When we first tried anal sex it was like a breath of fresh air. And at first I did quite enjoy it. It made me feel kinky and in a way quite powerful. Also seeing his reaction made it all worth it.

At some point down the road I started to have some doubts and to question myself. Does he not find me attractive? Am I doing something wrong? Is my attitude making things worse? After all, there were times when I wasn't really in the mood for vaginal sex either (pre anal days) but I did it because I loved him and didn't resent him for it.

Then I discovered that there were apparently many men like him out there. Is it any of it his fault that he prefers one over another? Given how common anal sex appears to be now am I making a big deal about nothing?

Sometimes I feel a little guilt that maybe I'm not trying hard enough, have not given this a chance, and after all others seem to manage it and enjoy it so why not me? Is it unfair on him?

I think we have a long road ahead. I think that you are right that I must be more open, honest and communicative with one another.

DanishCouple
Posts: 45
Joined: Mon Nov 18, 2013 1:24 am
Gender: Male

Re: Questions

Post by DanishCouple » Mon Apr 16, 2018 4:55 pm

I agree with minorkeys, you'll have to find some common ground in this. I think it's selfish of your husband to push his fetish onto you without regard to your wishes, and maybe you'll need to put your foot down - he needs a wake-up call. He won't like it, but your sex life is for both of you, not just him, and just because he wants it a certain way doesn't mean he can have it. Don't allow him to push you, it won't work in the long run.

My wife and I have a golden rule: It's the receiver who decides if we have anal sex or vaginal sex, she is the only one who can feel what will be okay. I prefer anal sex, but I want to give her pleasure, so I'll do what she wants. Anal only is kinky and naughty, and the thought of it is arousing, but only if she wants it.

MrsCanassman
Posts: 26
Joined: Fri Dec 30, 2016 11:51 pm
Gender: Female

Re: Questions

Post by MrsCanassman » Mon Apr 16, 2018 10:01 pm

So... here are my thoughts. My answers to your questions. I hope it helps.

1) Is this just a phase he is going through? Will it burn out all by itself?

I don’t think that it’s just an phase. More of a discovery. Anal sex is obviously tighter and perceived by many to be on the kinky and naughtier side. Fact of the matter is many heterosexual couples have anal sex. And as with many things... enjoyed on the spectrum of enjoyment - from anal only to once in a while anal sex. You two are the only ones who can figure out what’s going to work for you in your relationship.

2) Am I being unfair/uptight in not giving in?

You’re the only one who can resolve this issue. I’m gonna pull a Dan Savage (and every other counsellor)... and say... communicate with each other. The more you talk about it and try to get a better understanding of each other’s point of view, the better it will be for you both. Also... taking another page from Dan Savage.. be GGG - good, giving, and game (in bed).

3) Has he lost interest in me as a woman?

Again... communicate. Approach the situation with appreciative inquiry. Have a curiosity about the interest for him about anal sex. Also, express your feelings as well. Hopefully, your man will have a similar approach and be understanding.

4) If I allow frequent anal or only anal will it really help our situation?

See answer to question 1 & 2. :-)

5) If so would he then get bored with that and eventually develop some other fetish?

Only time will tell... hard to predict what new interests will develop. My take is enjoy what you’re doing and keep communication and attitudes open.


6) Will he still respect me, or is this a power thing? I don't like the idea of being coerced or used.

See answer to question 2). :-)

7) Will more frequent anal make it more enjoyable?

That depends on your physiology. Similar to vaginal sex, some women are made in a way that vaginal sex can also be uncomfortable. Some women enjoy both. Much like many new experiences, it’s uncomfortable at the beginning (ie. meeting new friends, working out, starting a new diet, etc.) but the more you do it, you may start to get more comfortable and actually like it.

8) Anything I can do to make it better for either me or him?

See answer 2).

9) Any regrets people have had on a similar path?

No regrets here. I had all these similar thoughts and questions but through talking it out and helping each other understand our different perspectives, we are more open and honest with each other. I feel our more open communication has made me much closer to my husband now after almost 30 years together. This closeness has allowed us to explore sexuality together.

10) Am I just going to end up resentful?

See answer 2). It comes down to choice. You choose a path together and make a commitment to explore and be open with each other. Hopefully you’re both on the same page and resentments don’t develop.

Ultimately, your experience will be uniquely yours and may you both have many years of enjoyable sexploration.

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Canassman
Posts: 189
Joined: Mon Nov 11, 2013 2:22 am
Location: Canada

Re: Questions

Post by Canassman » Mon Apr 16, 2018 10:21 pm

My wife has answered and now I will. I feel my desire for anal sex is hard wired into me... so for me an AO relationship is the fulfillment of all desires for me... but it begins with a good relationship first. We spent years getting to know each other, sharing all aspects of our lives and experiences together. That came first.

I will say that while we explored sexuality with each other, it was terrifying to name my sexual desires, and ultimately me desire to be anally exclusive. I was afraid she would see me as deviant. Ultimately our love mattered most and carried us through.

To me, anal is the most intimate form of love making, as well,as the most pleasurable. To me I see my wife as beautiful, loving and very sexy. We dealt with the conversation about whether this was a rejection of her femininity... it was not, for me it’s the opposite. I’m unbelievably appreciative that my wife decided to try, and that she enjoyed it, learned to love it, to feel loved, treasured and adored.

However, you need to ask all those questions of your husband. Maybe it’s for you, maybe not. Talking will help you know. Best of luck, my fingers are crossed for you.

uncertain
Posts: 31
Joined: Sun Apr 15, 2018 5:50 am
Gender: Female

Re: Questions

Post by uncertain » Tue Apr 17, 2018 6:43 am

Thanks very much everyone. Each and every reply is helpful. Just talking it through with people makes the whole situation a little less murky. And I am really touched how kind you have been and concerned for my welfare when you don't even know me!

What many of you have said is so right and I think I've let myself be a bit cowardly for not discussing with him earlier and letting things develop. But that doesn't mean I'm letting him entirely off the hook. I know that there are other aspects of the marriage that we both need to work on besides the sex. But I do want great sex too.

It could be that the feeling is mutual and he's been cowardly himself. I guess we all do it. We put off what we need to say as it's easier at the time.

To be clear about the tension I should add that I don't think he's necessarily pushing me. In no way do I feel like I MUST have anal with him. I think in his own was he is struggling as much as I am. Having read around it is clearer to me now that we all have preferences which we don't choose. Before I came here I didn't know that so even that little bit of knowledge is valuable. Still, while you all may have had years to become comfortable with that fact, it is initially very confusing. And I still am.

The sad thing is that after the initial few times we tried anal sex and I had become more accustomed to the feeling I had actually started to enjoy it. He would compliment me and say nice things while he held me tight or his hands upon my waist or hips. It was nice and it would be good if we could recapture that.

uncertain
Posts: 31
Joined: Sun Apr 15, 2018 5:50 am
Gender: Female

Re: Questions

Post by uncertain » Tue Apr 17, 2018 7:32 am

The Canassman couple: You both seem to have it all worked out. I wish that we had your communication skills and understanding of one another.

A few questions directed at MrsCanassman:

You said that you had no regrets but similar thoughts and questions. How did you move past that? And was there a single thing or moment that made it all make sense? Had you been doubtful or concerned when your husband made his interests clear? Did bringing it all out in the open make you feel better about it? Lastly, do you think making these adaptations to your sex life improved things overall, or were the positives for one of you more than another. I'm thinking of equality here, or if you felt either of you had to make sacrifices.

Sorry, I know that's a whole lot of questions and you've already helped so much.

taylork
Posts: 206
Joined: Sat Oct 12, 2013 12:52 pm

Re: Questions

Post by taylork » Tue Apr 17, 2018 3:23 pm

I think you have already proven what an amazing wife you are for investigating AO and coming here and asking the questions. Thats a brave thing to do and shows the love you have for your husband. I hope he appreciates you and all that you do. You should be proud of yourself for taking such a big step.

I would say go easy on your husband because if hes anything like me its just the way he is and i'm sure he doesn't think any less of you. I'm with canassman in that i adore my girlfriend and in my eyes what she has been willing to do and learn only makes me love her more. I think most guys prefer anal if they have tried it and it really is often the case that women do too. My girlfriend had similar feelings and doubts to you but she never gave up and it all worked out.

I hope it does for you two as well. Just ask if you need anything.

uncertain
Posts: 31
Joined: Sun Apr 15, 2018 5:50 am
Gender: Female

Re: Questions

Post by uncertain » Wed Apr 18, 2018 1:51 pm

Thank you taylork. However I'm not sure yet how big a step to take. That's why I am here.

So far I'm getting a different view of the men. I had made perhaps a hasty assumption re motivations etc. The different side which I was not quite expecting is how sincere and kind you appear to be. Whatever the rights and wrongs of it I'll give you that.

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