Questions

Curious about the anal only lifestyle or anal sex in general but have questions or concerns? Ask away here.
DanishCouple
Posts: 45
Joined: Mon Nov 18, 2013 1:24 am
Gender: Male

Re: Questions

Post by DanishCouple » Wed Apr 18, 2018 11:17 pm

It's all about how you want to live your life. You both need to have a satisfying sex life, and in order to achieve that, you'll need to learn how to communicate. It's not easy to get started, but once you learn to talk openly with each other about sex and especially what you like and fantasize about, you'll wonder why you waited so long - it makes things so much easier and opens up to a whole new world of fantasies and exciting things.

You must make sure that he understands that anal only maybe isn't what you want, because it's not satisfying for you, though you are willing to explore it to a certain extent, but he needs to be aware of your needs as well. It's important that you speak up, and that he understands how you feel about it. I can't imagine that he want's to have anal only with you if he knows you it doesn't do anything good for you.

Anal only isn't just about putting the dick in the ass hole instead of the pussy, it's much more about that the female is wanting it that way, that she prefers it and is turned on by doing it. Without that, there isn't anything sexy about it - in reality it doesn't feel that much different for the male, most of it takes place inside the head.

taylork
Posts: 211
Joined: Sat Oct 12, 2013 12:52 pm

Re: Questions

Post by taylork » Sat Apr 21, 2018 1:28 pm

uncertain wrote:Thank you taylork. However I'm not sure yet how big a step to take. That's why I am here.

So far I'm getting a different view of the men. I had made perhaps a hasty assumption re motivations etc. The different side which I was not quite expecting is how sincere and kind you appear to be. Whatever the rights and wrongs of it I'll give you that.

Thats where it often goes wrong is that one partner gets the wrong idea and makes a judgement. Most of us just want the best for our wives/girlfriends.

People here want the same for you and want to help. They know what a difference it makes for them.

uncertain
Posts: 31
Joined: Sun Apr 15, 2018 5:50 am
Gender: Female

Re: Questions

Post by uncertain » Wed Apr 25, 2018 1:41 pm

DanishCouple wrote:I
You must make sure that he understands that anal only maybe isn't what you want, because it's not satisfying for you, though you are willing to explore it to a certain extent, but he needs to be aware of your needs as well. It's important that you speak up, and that he understands how you feel about it. I can't imagine that he want's to have anal only with you if he knows you it doesn't do anything good for you.

Yes, I'll be certain to let him know what I need too. I'm hoping we can find a way through this where we are both happy. Nothing is decided yet, except that I know more communication is key. Baby steps for now and we'll see where it leads us.

And thanks for your concern (everyone is so nice here!) but I don't think he'd consciously do or make me do anything that I really didn't like.

I have a plan and will keep you all updated when we discuss it soon.

taylork
Posts: 211
Joined: Sat Oct 12, 2013 12:52 pm

Re: Questions

Post by taylork » Tue May 01, 2018 5:43 pm

Any news yet?

I've kind of been a bit where you two are because my relationship with my gf hit a bad spot a few years back. Made me realize sex isn't everything. I guess i knew that but sometimes you can't see whats important at the time. But we are much better now and also wouldn't be where we are without resuming anal sex. Its the most intimate you can be plus there are many other benefits to it.

I'm sure your husband doesn't want to force you or see you unhappy. I think hes trying to reach out to you because his feelings are telling him that that intimate sex will bring you closer together. He's feeling all the positive effects that anal sex brings you emotionally but maybe you don't just yet or something is in the way. Try to give him time on this and trust his feelings.

uncertain
Posts: 31
Joined: Sun Apr 15, 2018 5:50 am
Gender: Female

Re: Questions

Post by uncertain » Fri May 04, 2018 12:35 pm

I have news of sorts. We managed to get some time together a few nights ago. Talked more than we had in a long time, so I think even he see's that we need to air our differences. We probably drank too much wine by the end, so who knows if it was all sensible.

What we have agreed is too try and meet each others needs as far as possible, but honestly it is probably true that we each have parts of the solution. I've managed to extract from him a promise to attend couples therapy (and I don't mean turn up once or twice) and I will be more open and amenable in the bedroom. I'll let him take the lead there as that is what he would like. I'm hoping that because we have actually discussed for once and I know where I stand that I can relax more. I don't accept all the blame but I can see that perhaps my attitude hasn't always help matters.

This is just the start. We are booked in for our first hour end of next week. Out of this it would be nice if we could find less confrontational ways of working through our problems.

kingsman
Posts: 110
Joined: Sun Apr 29, 2018 5:02 am
Gender: Male

Re: Questions

Post by kingsman » Sun May 06, 2018 6:11 am

If only my ex wife had been like you! You sound totally reasonable and balanced, prepared for give and take.

FWIW I think you've made a good decision and if you can each stick to your side of the bargain I don't see why this shouldn't work out. I think there have been a few naysayers but I think a sensible compromise is the only way to go. Simply denying him is only going to lead to more confrontation and the walls will go up on both sides.

Best of luck to you both.

uncertain
Posts: 31
Joined: Sun Apr 15, 2018 5:50 am
Gender: Female

Re: Questions

Post by uncertain » Tue May 08, 2018 1:44 pm

We went to our therapy session on Friday. I was really proud of him as I had half expected him to renege on his promise. Of course it helps when I'm dangling a carrot and not beating him with the stick!

Obviously it is VERY early days and there is no way to be sure this will work but (or how seriously he takes it) but I feel some relief. We have apointments every 2 weeks going forward. Ideally we'd do it every week but other commitments get in the way.

I've held up my side of the bargain. We were much more relaxed than usual when we had sex. Having agreed before hand to do anal, and him knowing it was a sure thing took the tension away.

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Analonely
Posts: 75
Joined: Sun Jul 12, 2015 12:07 am
Gender: Male

Re: Questions

Post by Analonely » Wed May 09, 2018 6:18 pm

I think pretty much what everybody said is sound. I also think the path you're taking is very sound. At the risk of repeating what somebody else might have already said, you have to keep in mind that lovemaking is the final conclusion of a long, long chain, so it ought to be a heightened, uplifting experience of bonding and love. It begins way back and out of the chamber, however corny and cliché this might sound.

1) Is this just a phase he is going through? Will it burn out all by itself?
Very unlikely. I suggest you ask him why he likes it; ask him to try and write it down (it's a really neat exercise to do; you should try it yourself). Writing it down can be extremely helpful to him, you and you both. It can shed light on many things you didn't know about yourselves and the act. Consequentially, this will likely to bring you closer and heighten the experience.

2) Am I being unfair/uptight in not giving in?
Lovemaking must be mutual. It's not a business in the sense of being reciprocal, an exchange of favors. You both must give in to whatever it is that you're doing in order to be a complete experience, otherwise somebody is suffering for the sake of the other (and being objectified to an extent). Just like a kiss, one can't kiss alone.

3) Has he lost interest in me as a woman?
This is a common misconception. You also have lips, just like men, so if he likes kissing you does that mean he lost interest in you as a woman? On the other hand you have a vagina — just a like a cow, a child or woman's corpse, but I'm inclined to think he isn't attracted to those. One isn't attracted to disjointed parts in a person (unless he's extremely sick) but rather to a person who happens to BE all those parts put together. Of course each part carries a symbolism more or less of its own, but none of those make sense when you take the context (person) out of it.

4) If I allow frequent anal or only anal will it really help our situation?
If you allow it completely for his sake, then probably not. It may postpone the situation and buy you some maneuvering time, but if you don't work out the differences outside it will just prolong the suffering.

5) If so would he then get bored with that and eventually develop some other fetish?
If he's bored then it means he treats you and lovemaking in a futile and sensuous way. It means he does it as means to an end, not as an end in itself. If that's the case, then the conversation must deepen a great deal; hopefully it's not so I'll spare you.

6) Will he still respect me, or is this a power thing? I don't like the idea of being coerced or used.
Refer to answers 2) and 5)

7) Will more frequent anal make it more enjoyable?
It will be at least less unenjoyable, so probably yes.

8) Anything I can do to make it better for either me or him?
Try to learn from yourself what is it about this particular act between you two that you may like. Same goes for him. Both of should take your time, write it down, exchange papers after a week and then talk about it. :)

9) Any regrets people have had on a similar path?
I regret not doing it earlier. :lol:

10) Am I just going to end up resentful?
If you do it only for his sake and never come to enjoy it, then probably yes.

MrsCanassman
Posts: 30
Joined: Fri Dec 30, 2016 11:51 pm
Gender: Female

Re: Questions

Post by MrsCanassman » Wed May 09, 2018 11:45 pm

Sorry it took so longI for me to get back to you. But here goes.

First of all... you’re amazing for taking the initiative and wanting to find out more. I hope you continue to participate in the many interesting conversations and keep us all posted with your progress.

So... hope this answers your questions.... I knew pretty early on in our relationship that my man liked anal but we didn’t go AO right away. Anal was one of those activities we would get into if we were having super raunchy, naughty sex. Although, before I got my tubes cut and cauterized, we used it as a form of birth control. The porn we watched always had a mix of scenarios but always included anal scenes. We went through a phase where my man would fuck my pussy until I came and then would ease himself into my ass. Then he found this Forum and encouraged me to read some of the posts. He particularly wanted me to read the Challenges section. I think it was No Pussy November that we did first. Keep in mind this process has been over a span of 25+ years. Then the topic of going AO was brought up. As he has said, Canassman was very apprehensive about bring this up. I’m not gonna lie, I totally felt sad that my pussy was missing out. I had a hard time with the thought of one part of me that helped define my female identity (or so I believed) being ignored or left out. In true loving form... Canassman was very understanding and helped me through my reservations. He found me articles and blog posts about how other women love anal and really claim it as just another part of their sexuality - to view giving up the rusty sheriff’s badge as more of a gift than surrendering. There was definitely a lot of conversations about needing pussy and clit play but we finally had an agreement that any penile penetration would be AO. I hope that helps.

uncertain
Posts: 31
Joined: Sun Apr 15, 2018 5:50 am
Gender: Female

Re: Questions

Post by uncertain » Thu May 10, 2018 10:52 am

MrsCanassman wrote: First of all... you’re amazing for taking the initiative and wanting to find out more.

Really?? I thought I had been caught on the back foot and this was damage control. I do want to find out more about my husband. You are all right in that communication is what we need. But I had thought neutral third parties with a similar history may give me some insights.
MrsCanassman wrote: Then the topic of going AO was brought up. As he has said, Canassman was very apprehensive about bring this up.

I'm not sure if it is me who's investigating this first or if he is aware of this lifestyle or has read about it here or elsewhere. I think I do need to find out. I think it may have to wait and when the time comes be handled with sensitivity. I can imagine with our other stresses that it could all blow up in our faces and we don't need that.
MrsCanassman wrote: I’m not gonna lie, I totally felt sad that my pussy was missing out. I had a hard time with the thought of one part of me that helped define my female identity (or so I believed) being ignored or left out. In true loving form... Canassman was very understanding and helped me through my reservations. He found me articles and blog posts about how other women love anal and really claim it as just another part of their sexuality - to view giving up the rusty sheriff’s badge as more of a gift than surrendering. There was definitely a lot of conversations about needing pussy and clit play but we finally had an agreement that any penile penetration would be AO. I hope that helps.

This part you make sound very easy. I suppose that I've never had cause to question what is my "female identity". Until now that is and I'm not all that sure what it is. So you found validation or self acceptance in reading about other women who love anal? Did you really have no conflict when you found out? And would it have been a deal breaker for your husband if you'd not been able to fulfil his wishes? In what way do you consider it a "gift"?

I know that once more that's a whole load of questions. Although we may have just taken a significant step forward, is it the right one? I still have some doubts as the more I consent to anal sex, the more it appears to fuel his interest.

Thanking you all again for taking the time.

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