Feeling conflicted
Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2018 10:15 am
Firstly, apologies for the long post but I want to give you guys as much context as possible so I can get some good advice.
TL;DR: I love and prefer anal sex, but I'm seeing a great girl who doesn't like anal at all and I want advice as to how to handle.
But first, some background about us...
Me:
Early 30s male, living in a country/city where anal is publicly frowned upon by most but where I've found some success finding sexually compatible partners who were into anal. I greatly prefer anal sex over vaginal but for the right partner, I don't have a problem compromising. I've had 4 relationships where anal was regularly on the table (at least once per week). Only 2 of these 4 were anal mostly (either straight anal or PIV and finishing with anal 80%+ of the time). If this helps, these were all serious relationships where we liked/loved each other for who we were outside the bedroom as well and these relationships ended due to reasons that have nothing to do with anal sex. I have never had an anal only relationship and would really like to be in one someday. However, I don't think I NEED one (partly because they seem so gosh darn hard to find/create!). I'm happy to oblige the occasional PIV if my partner wants and would die a happy man if my partner did anal at least 50% of the time.
Her:
Early 20s Nymph who can't get enough of me with an insatiable sex drive and higher libido than I have. So far, neither she nor I has a problem with this mismatched libido as it's not a huge gap and we communicate fairly well and do a good job meeting each other in the middle, so to speak. We have great sexual chemistry (rhythm, listening to each other's bodies, being attentive etc.) do plenty freaky stuff in the bedroom with her even expressing a recent interest in watersports which I intend to engage (I have no fetish for piss but when I'm with someone I care for, I find myself being open to all kinds of things I wouldn't otherwise be). Outside the bedroom, she's incredible. Honest, helpful, thoughtful, attractive and we click on a number of core beliefs and ideologies.
Now for the dilemma:
Before me, she's never really done anything anal (had her ass licked literally just once and didn't like it). Not a deal breaker, as one of my past partners had never so much as a finger in her ass before me and eventually grew to love anal with me and even prefer it to vaginal. I feel like with my current girl however, this is going to be a different journey. She's really not into anal and not because of some past trauma or anything specific. Anal just doesn't seem to be her thing. Still she's a good sport about it and has allowed me to lick her ass sometimes and permits the occasional finger back there during PIV sex. But even during these sex acts, I can tell she's not enjoying herself 100% as much as she normally does and I usually just stop the anal stuff once I realize this.
Things came to a head for us last night when we made a silly bet with each other and named what we each wanted if we won. She asked for a specifically romantic night which I'd love to do for her anyway, and she asked what I wanted if I won. I initially refused to tell her because it's anal, and I know she doesn't want it so I named something more mundane for my prize. She sensed that this is not really what I wanted and insisted on dragging it out of me so she eventually guessed and said "anal?", and I said yes. Her reaction left a lot to be desired. Just...kind of...quiet, pensive, I'm not even sure tbh. So I asked her what's on her mind and she said she knows I'm into "that stuff" but she's surprised I would say it to her. I reminded her that actually she said it and dragged it out of me. I feared this reaction and so tried to steer clear of the topic altogether. We just dropped it there, sat in silence watching TV for an hour, and then got horny, I ate her out and had our usual amazing PIV sex.
Questions I'd like to answer for myself (and hoping you guys can help me):
1. This would be my first relationship since discovering I prefer anal, where anal is off the table. Despite early signs that she doesn't seem open to exploring anal, should I exercise some more patience and wait it out some more*? If so, how long? I'd be particularly interested in hearing any feedback from persons who've dated someone for a very long period of time (years) where anal was off the table but eventually converted to anal mostly or AO at some point down the line.
2. I'm at the point now where I'm considering never bringing up the subject of anal ever again and seeing if we can be happy together. To my anal loving friends, have any of you had success being in a relationship with someone who doesn't do anal? Specifically, if you prefer anal and are currently in a relationship where you don't have anal sex or have anal very infrequently, are you happy? If so, what do you do, if anything, to satisfy your anal desires (eg. play alone, see other people in an open relationship)?
*For the record, we've been seeing each other for 8 months. In my past relationships, by now, there would have been some more progress towards anal.
THANKS IN ADVANCE!
TL;DR: I love and prefer anal sex, but I'm seeing a great girl who doesn't like anal at all and I want advice as to how to handle.
But first, some background about us...
Me:
Early 30s male, living in a country/city where anal is publicly frowned upon by most but where I've found some success finding sexually compatible partners who were into anal. I greatly prefer anal sex over vaginal but for the right partner, I don't have a problem compromising. I've had 4 relationships where anal was regularly on the table (at least once per week). Only 2 of these 4 were anal mostly (either straight anal or PIV and finishing with anal 80%+ of the time). If this helps, these were all serious relationships where we liked/loved each other for who we were outside the bedroom as well and these relationships ended due to reasons that have nothing to do with anal sex. I have never had an anal only relationship and would really like to be in one someday. However, I don't think I NEED one (partly because they seem so gosh darn hard to find/create!). I'm happy to oblige the occasional PIV if my partner wants and would die a happy man if my partner did anal at least 50% of the time.
Her:
Early 20s Nymph who can't get enough of me with an insatiable sex drive and higher libido than I have. So far, neither she nor I has a problem with this mismatched libido as it's not a huge gap and we communicate fairly well and do a good job meeting each other in the middle, so to speak. We have great sexual chemistry (rhythm, listening to each other's bodies, being attentive etc.) do plenty freaky stuff in the bedroom with her even expressing a recent interest in watersports which I intend to engage (I have no fetish for piss but when I'm with someone I care for, I find myself being open to all kinds of things I wouldn't otherwise be). Outside the bedroom, she's incredible. Honest, helpful, thoughtful, attractive and we click on a number of core beliefs and ideologies.
Now for the dilemma:
Before me, she's never really done anything anal (had her ass licked literally just once and didn't like it). Not a deal breaker, as one of my past partners had never so much as a finger in her ass before me and eventually grew to love anal with me and even prefer it to vaginal. I feel like with my current girl however, this is going to be a different journey. She's really not into anal and not because of some past trauma or anything specific. Anal just doesn't seem to be her thing. Still she's a good sport about it and has allowed me to lick her ass sometimes and permits the occasional finger back there during PIV sex. But even during these sex acts, I can tell she's not enjoying herself 100% as much as she normally does and I usually just stop the anal stuff once I realize this.
Things came to a head for us last night when we made a silly bet with each other and named what we each wanted if we won. She asked for a specifically romantic night which I'd love to do for her anyway, and she asked what I wanted if I won. I initially refused to tell her because it's anal, and I know she doesn't want it so I named something more mundane for my prize. She sensed that this is not really what I wanted and insisted on dragging it out of me so she eventually guessed and said "anal?", and I said yes. Her reaction left a lot to be desired. Just...kind of...quiet, pensive, I'm not even sure tbh. So I asked her what's on her mind and she said she knows I'm into "that stuff" but she's surprised I would say it to her. I reminded her that actually she said it and dragged it out of me. I feared this reaction and so tried to steer clear of the topic altogether. We just dropped it there, sat in silence watching TV for an hour, and then got horny, I ate her out and had our usual amazing PIV sex.
Questions I'd like to answer for myself (and hoping you guys can help me):
1. This would be my first relationship since discovering I prefer anal, where anal is off the table. Despite early signs that she doesn't seem open to exploring anal, should I exercise some more patience and wait it out some more*? If so, how long? I'd be particularly interested in hearing any feedback from persons who've dated someone for a very long period of time (years) where anal was off the table but eventually converted to anal mostly or AO at some point down the line.
2. I'm at the point now where I'm considering never bringing up the subject of anal ever again and seeing if we can be happy together. To my anal loving friends, have any of you had success being in a relationship with someone who doesn't do anal? Specifically, if you prefer anal and are currently in a relationship where you don't have anal sex or have anal very infrequently, are you happy? If so, what do you do, if anything, to satisfy your anal desires (eg. play alone, see other people in an open relationship)?
*For the record, we've been seeing each other for 8 months. In my past relationships, by now, there would have been some more progress towards anal.
THANKS IN ADVANCE!