Want to go AO but not sure how to get there

Curious about the anal only lifestyle or anal sex in general but have questions or concerns? Ask away here.
Sarah1981
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Re: Want to go AO but not sure how to get there

Post by Sarah1981 » Tue Dec 13, 2022 10:10 am

As a woman and a former stay at home mom, I’m going to be frank and tell you that the things you listed are no where near half the household load of responsibility. I’d encourage you to Google ‘The Mental Load’ and get a better understanding of all the invisible work your wife does and try to step in and do your equal share actively instead of passively (if you see the dishwasher needs to be emptied, just do it. Don’t sit back and say, ‘I’ll do whatever you want just tell me.” That’s passive and very unattractive).

In regards to the anal situation, I agree with the first response that your wife’s voice is missing here. We see what you want, but what does SHE want? As the person being penetrated there’s a lot more at stake and potentially pain and discomfort involved if she doesn’t really want to do it anymore. If she agrees to every other month just to please you, she’s not going to be excited to engage in sex more frequently. The bare minimum will be what you get. People engage in pleasurable activities as much as they can. So, I would say focus on her pleasure and you’ll get more sex.

Love making should never be reduced to one-sided taking or a selfish view of ‘this is what I want for our sex life’ without working to also meet the desires of your wife. My husband and I love anal, and as much sex as we can have! But a big part of that is because he’s an equal partner in all areas of our life. In other words, I know he cares about me!

It’s never just about what one person wants, it’s about the sex life you both enjoy. My husband and I had a rough decade in our marriage. The sex was okay, but never blow my sox off great. He never focused on my pleasure. It was always the kind of sex HE wanted. He was always focused on the sex life HE wanted. I felt like he just wanted to use my body as his cum dump and it left me feeling used and empty. I started engaging in sex less and less and started to resent him for treating me like his sex toy.

Things only got better when I demanded we center our sex life on my pleasure too and reframed sex as the way we physically connect to give and share our love towards one another everything changed. Once we reframed it and began to focus more on love making we started to explore all sorts of things, including anal and I started to crave sex with him. It was the connection I craved. His gentle touches on my body, hearing him tell me he loves me while he’s penetrating me gently is the greatest, deepest most wonderful thing in the world!!!

Sarah1981
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Re: Want to go AO but not sure how to get there

Post by Sarah1981 » Tue Dec 13, 2022 10:49 am

wishforAO wrote:
Fri Dec 02, 2022 4:40 pm
@Colt1911: Sadly we have been off the pill since our first child who is now 7. I wish that was the simple answer. We currently use condoms when it is a pussy month. Which makes it even lesss fun for me :(

However it is an ass month right now so anyone have advice on how to make it extra good for her? She says she likes to get right to it and not to do a lot of forplay but I really think this would help get her to associate anal with good feelings again. Any tips for how to add forplay or for making the act extra good?

Honestly, it sounds like she doesn’t want to do anal and is only doing it because you’re asking/pushing for it. When you say she “phones it in” you’re saying she’s not actively engaged or thrilled to engage in anal sex. I would suggest you ask her directly if it’s something she enjoys or if it’s something she’s just doing because you want to use her body that way. Ask her what would make it more pleasurable for her or how she might enjoy it. And, if she says she doesn’t enjoy anal and doesn’t want to do it anymore you need to respect that and find other avenues of love making that you both enjoy and find pleasurable. I know it’s what you want, but she’s showing you it’s not what she wants. Ask and find out.

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Canassman
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Re: Want to go AO but not sure how to get there

Post by Canassman » Tue Dec 13, 2022 2:17 pm

Sarah1981 wrote:
Tue Dec 13, 2022 10:10 am
As a woman and a former stay at home mom, I’m going to be frank and tell you that the things you listed are no where near half the household load of responsibility. I’d encourage you to Google ‘The Mental Load’ and get a better understanding of all the invisible work your wife does and try to step in and do your equal share actively instead of passively (if you see the dishwasher needs to be emptied, just do it. Don’t sit back and say, ‘I’ll do whatever you want just tell me.” That’s passive and very unattractive).

In regards to the anal situation, I agree with the first response that your wife’s voice is missing here. We see what you want, but what does SHE want? As the person being penetrated there’s a lot more at stake and potentially pain and discomfort involved if she doesn’t really want to do it anymore. If she agrees to every other month just to please you, she’s not going to be excited to engage in sex more frequently. The bare minimum will be what you get. People engage in pleasurable activities as much as they can. So, I would say focus on her pleasure and you’ll get more sex.

Love making should never be reduced to one-sided taking or a selfish view of ‘this is what I want for our sex life’ without working to also meet the desires of your wife. My husband and I love anal, and as much sex as we can have! But a big part of that is because he’s an equal partner in all areas of our life. In other words, I know he cares about me!

It’s never just about what one person wants, it’s about the sex life you both enjoy. My husband and I had a rough decade in our marriage. The sex was okay, but never blow my sox off great. He never focused on my pleasure. It was always the kind of sex HE wanted. He was always focused on the sex life HE wanted. I felt like he just wanted to use my body as his cum dump and it left me feeling used and empty. I started engaging in sex less and less and started to resent him for treating me like his sex toy.

Things only got better when I demanded we center our sex life on my pleasure too and reframed sex as the way we physically connect to give and share our love towards one another everything changed. Once we reframed it and began to focus more on love making we started to explore all sorts of things, including anal and I started to crave sex with him. It was the connection I craved. His gentle touches on my body, hearing him tell me he loves me while he’s penetrating me gently is the greatest, deepest most wonderful thing in the world!!!

Thanks for this… that whole chat left me uncomfortable as it really focussed on the male partner and some responses were so out of touch ( e.g. “she can’t use that as an excuse”). I felt a female voice was needed to respond at least in the absence of the woman being discussed.

So to the OP, I return to what I said in my original response, your wife’s voice is missing not only from your post, but seemingly from your conversation. You need to have a frank conversation with her abt your relationship, parenting, partnership as a couple, as well as sex. And you need to be open to hear what she has to say, and not defensive, or thinking about how to convince her u r right. Hear what she says, consider it fully, and if this relationship is good you will do what you can to be the best partner you can.

My wife and I have been AO for almost 10 years and I had similar learning. I had to take on being a full partner in all aspects of our lives together. And…. I was then a partner she wanted to make happy… so we explored all our sexual interests, including anal. Then it became more fun to both of us, until she was quite happy to go anal only, as we also focussed on her pleasure as well as mine.
I wish you the best. This is the real test of your relationship - not just sexually

Sarah1981
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Re: Want to go AO but not sure how to get there

Post by Sarah1981 » Tue Dec 13, 2022 2:40 pm

Great feedback/response!

I was disturbed by that comment as well. I’m in the position as the OP. I like anal sex more than my husband. He doesn’t mind it as a novelty here and there but I absolutely love it.

The thing is - I love him more than any one sex act we do together and our sex life is rich! If he told me tonight that he didn’t want to do it anymore, I’d be disappointed and see if we could find a middle ground with using toys, but I would NEVER push or manipulate him into doing something sexual he didn’t want to do. That’s such a violation of our most valuable and vulnerable gift together. It would literally be poisoning the well of our love.

I love him. As a whole person, not just what he gives me/how he performs in the bedroom. A great sex life where your wife craves you and engages whole-heartedly comes from feeling safe, having trust and being loved and respected. ESPECIALLY when she’s in the most vulnerable position of being fully naked and physically penetrated by someone.

Colt1911
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Re: Want to go AO but not sure how to get there

Post by Colt1911 » Wed Dec 14, 2022 7:35 am

Sarah1981 wrote:
Tue Dec 13, 2022 2:40 pm
Great feedback/response!

I was disturbed by that comment as well. I’m in the position as the OP. I like anal sex more than my husband. He doesn’t mind it as a novelty here and there but I absolutely love it.

The thing is - I love him more than any one sex act we do together and our sex life is rich! If he told me tonight that he didn’t want to do it anymore, I’d be disappointed and see if we could find a middle ground with using toys, but I would NEVER push or manipulate him into doing something sexual he didn’t want to do. That’s such a violation of our most valuable and vulnerable gift together. It would literally be poisoning the well of our love.

I love him. As a whole person, not just what he gives me/how he performs in the bedroom. A great sex life where your wife craves you and engages whole-heartedly comes from feeling safe, having trust and being loved and respected. ESPECIALLY when she’s in the most vulnerable position of being fully naked and physically penetrated by someone.

I’ve already commented, but I feel strongly about this subject. First, we know what it’s like to have kids while both of us worked full time jobs. We snuck sex in when we could and while anal came long after our kids were out of the house, my wife said she never would have had the time to prep before anal while raising our family.

Second, and most important to me, I’m not able to enjoy sex unless my wife is also enjoying it. In our dom/sub “light” relationship I’m committed to giving HER as much pleasure as possible before and during anal penetration. Her laying there motionless while I pound her ass would be a turnoff. I try not to orgasm during anal penetration until she has an anal orgasm first. I’m convinced more women would enjoy anal sex if their partners tried harder to pleasure the woman.

We’ve been married and in love for more than 40 years, so maybe this makes it easier for us. I just don’t understand how a man can experience true pleasure if his partner isn’t experiencing the same. Had I spent the time trying to give her anal pleasure, I’m sure we would have had anal sex much earlier in our relationship.

Sarah1981
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Re: Want to go AO but not sure how to get there

Post by Sarah1981 » Wed Dec 14, 2022 10:25 am

Yes!!! The couples with the best sex lives view sex as something they share and enjoy TOGETHER. Every time. Sex is something you do WITH another person. Its not an individual act. It’s a dance. If you can tune into pleasuring your partner and they do the same, sex becomes this incredible experience from start to finish. GREAT sex is built from that foundation.

I totally agree with your wife! Our youngest was 10 when we really started to explore anal sex (we had done anal play for years). And I definitely would not have had the energy or time to train and prep for it. For most women it’s when their youngest is 5 that things start to get a bit easier.

I think a huge problem with this post is the way he’s treating her and viewing sex.
He’s framed it as an entitlement for him and an obligation for her, removing love from the equation. And that’s the driving force for a lot of women. We want to know you love US more than any sex act. Sex is the physical expression of the love between two people in a loving marriage.

And the way he described his sex life with her sounded transactional. “I’ll do vaginal if you do anal.” And that’s a dangerous path to go down because it’s not sustainable and he’s steps away from the path to a sexless marriage. That’s how it starts. Of course women aren’t interested in that kind of sex. Typically the word we use for transactional sex is prostitution.

It’s the worst kind of sex. She’ll almost certainly be less and less interested because it’s basically being reduced to a glorified prostitute. That’s why she “doesn’t get into the stride” of anal anymore.

The ironic thing is that men who are loving, gentle, and cultivate safety and trust in the bedroom will ultimately have a wife who would do just about anything he wanted.

But when a husband makes it clear that all he really cares about is his orgasm and his pleasure - regardless of her feelings or desires for a sex act - it erodes trust and safety. And makes her hesitate and/or resist entirely because he’s not safe. And her body knows it.

When a wife is reduced to just a vehicle for his pleasure he removes all intimacy and love. That’s a big reason why a lot of women drift from sex. It’s not a lack of libido it’s an absence of intimacy and her pleasure. A sex life is something you build WITH someone. It should be pleasurable for BOTH people every time.

That’s how you end up with a wife who’s excited to be with you sexually. Who eagerly waits for you all day and who uses her creativity to seduce you and indulge. Sounds like you and your wife have it dialed in!

Backdoorlover
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Re: Want to go AO but not sure how to get there

Post by Backdoorlover » Wed Dec 14, 2022 11:02 am

Please don’t put all of this on him.

I have been in a relationship that started out as a dream. She was into anal, suggestion even came from her, and she made clear I just had to ask and she would take me up her ass.

But reality was the sexdrive perished, from her end, very fast. While she kept saying “just use me, I’m okay with it. I want you to be happy”. Using a woman for my pleasure only is not how I tick. So I’ve tried warming her up. Her reaction then was “just shove it in, cum and let me sleep”. Reducing sex to something that felt like I masturbated in her pussy and asshole.

The relationship died.
Backdoorlover’s quote:

“Ass to mouth is the only right way to have sex”🔥

Sarah1981
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Re: Want to go AO but not sure how to get there

Post by Sarah1981 » Wed Dec 14, 2022 12:11 pm

It IS all on him…

He posted saying he wants to go AO with his wife of 17 years, and then went on to describe her lack of enthusiasm with it.

“She seems less interested in anal”
“I get a phoned in response when we do anal”
And then described her just wanting to get it over with.

Every mention of anal with his wife points to the fact she doesn’t want to do it. And the fact that he’s here to get tips on how to manipulate or pressure her to do anal only is extremely self-centered and disturbing!

My advice and commentary is pointed to his specific situation as a woman, wife and mother who has been married for almost two decades. It’s not hard to connect the dots to her lack of desire for sex.

This is my advice.
He can take it or leave it.

At the end of the day, I’m making love to my husband 5-6 times a week with anal folded in at least twice. If he wants his wife to be more interested in sex, enthusiastically seducing him and fully engaging sex with him, I’ve explained how to get there and what it looks like.

It’s totally on him, and he asked. I just held up the mirror.

Backdoorlover
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Re: Want to go AO but not sure how to get there

Post by Backdoorlover » Wed Dec 14, 2022 12:23 pm

And I tell you that in this case you can never know the whole situation. It is as wrong to assume it’s all on her, and it’s wrong to assume it’s all on her.

Most likely this is a case of lost of interrest. But their situation now does not have to be this way. It’s solid advice that he needs to openly talk to her. Just don’t assume this man is a selfish asshole because of his unfortunate way to discribe his situation.
Backdoorlover’s quote:

“Ass to mouth is the only right way to have sex”🔥

Sarah1981
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Re: Want to go AO but not sure how to get there

Post by Sarah1981 » Wed Dec 14, 2022 12:33 pm

How can you say “don’t make assumptions” and then go on to boldly claim that it’s indeed a loss of interest that’s the root of the problem. LMAO.

He IS an asshole to manipulate or pressure his wife into doing anal when she so clearly does not want to do it. Even if she previously did, their lives completely changed. It’s always so weird to me how men seem so puzzled that their sex lives are affected by children… that bodies change as well as preferences.

EVERY sexual relationship goes through changes. Women go through menopause, men become impotent…do you really think the elderly are still having the same sex they were in their 20’s? When you love someone and are in a committed relationship you work together to find sexual ways to connect that work for both of you. That’s what mature, grown adults in love do.

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