Need support and advice.

[Dreamer]

So, after my introduction, here is the main reason I joined. I have been in a stable, monogamous relationship for almost eight years, five of which living together. After about two years of relationship we tried anal sex, which I had been fantasizing about since puberty. It went pretty well, I was not overwhelmed at first, but it was enjoyable and fun for both of us. As time went by, we introduced more and more Anal in our lovemaking, not so much penis-in-rectum, but rather rimming and me inserting a finger while I licked her clit. The closest we got to AO was a relatively brief period in which we would sometimes spontaneously fuck anally after a bit of vaginal and we also had occasional "session" evenings in which I would spend hours inserting toys and exploring her ass after she douched and culminating in a good anal fuck. Also, during this period she would occasionally come home tipsy after a night out with her college mates and would beg me to fuck, usually anally because she "didn't feel enough" with the vagina. All these things combined resulted in us having anal sex irregularly but an average of once a month (if we exclude the foreplay rimming/fingering). Important notes on these practices: if she agreed to anal she always enjoyed it, if we started having anal but she didn't enjoy it for whatever reason we would stop. During anal she always masturbated and could not enjoy it otherwise, only once she had an anal only orgasm, during a "session". Often, after an anal only session such as I described, she would crave vaginal sex. So what happened? Her libido dropped from wanting to fuck about once a day to once a month and THAT was seen as a chore. We talked about it and after a few months we are now starting to have more regular sex, about once a week, and no bad feelings of effort/refusal for either of us. Obviously though, anal has completely exited the equation. She refused it every time I proposed it, not without trying, we would start and she would just find it uncomfortable and stressful. When we talked about it she said it was too much effort to have anal and she did not feel like making that effort. Since then I have stopped mentioning anal, I have stopped touching, licking or even paying any kind of attention to her anus and so far it seems like she would be quite happy to never have anal again. So... any opinions? I don't even desire anal only, I would be quite satisfied with anal once a month or so. No anal at all is making me unhappy though, I am completely bored with our sex life.
Any of you older, wiser experts got words of advice? Sorry for the exceedingly long post.

May the dark shine your way.

[gurlcrazy]

Potential underlying medical condition may be limiting libido. I'd talk to a doc.

[Dreamer]

Potential underlying medical condition may be limiting libido. I'd talk to a doc.

We kind of already fixed that, as I said we have a rather regular sex life now. She admitted herself that when her libido was super high, it was actually unhealthy as she was pressuring herself to be basically a nympho to try and please me, so much so that if I ever turned her down for whatever reason (like being tired or having to get up early) she would feel rejected and hurt. After she stopped pressuring herself the situation was reversed but as I said it's good now, I believe we both have a way healthyer approach to sex, plus the frequency is acceptable to me and ideal for her. The problem here is the absence of anal more so than her libido.

[amorous945]

Why can't you just tell her that having anal sex "occasionally" is important to you? I really don't think that's asking too much, especially from someone who already knows there is pleasure and mutual enjoyment to be found in it. People often say that no one should ever have to do something that don't want to do to please their partner, or that it's some how wrong to ask something of your partner that they don't want to do. I don't believe this, as any good, long lasting relationship has to have areas of compromise in it. As long as what you're asking your partner for is reasonable, isn't abusive or hurtful to them, then I don't think a request for at least occasional anal sex is an unreasonable request. People who love each other are willing to make reasonable sacrifices for each other. Sex between long term, monogamous couples can be a challenge at times. Sex just isn't always going to be wonderful for each partner, every time. There's no crime in asking a partner to do something for you sexually that they may not particularly want to do in the moment, even if they don't get that much or anything out of it. It's called love and sacrifice. There will be plenty of opportunities for you to turn the tables at other times to focus solely on her pleasure. In my opinion, this is what people who love one another do. Living the life of the sexual martyr and denying all of your wants and needs for another only looks good on paper, but doesn't work out in real life to blossom into a good, healthy relationship.

You mentioned that your partner said there's just too much work involved in getting ready for anal sex. You also mentioned douching as something you guys did in the past before some of your anal activities. Not knowing your situation, exactly, I can only assume that she feels that she has to do all of this to get ready for anal sex. There are many who would disagree with me, but enemas just aren't necessary for anal sex. My wife and I never use them. Many of the other members on this forum never do, either. If a woman felt like she had to douche before every anal encounter, then I can understand to some extent why it would be a hassle and too much trouble. Unless you or her are super squeamish, then there is no reason to have to perform all kinds of cleansing rituals first. I can understand doing this in some situations, like with short time partners or someone you occasionally have sex with, but totally unnecessary for long term, monogamous couples.

I think that if your partner would be willing to allow you to have her "ass" on occasion (if only mainly for your enjoyment), she would grow more fond of it in time and be willing to incorporate it into your life more often. There's also the possibility that she may even enjoy anal sex more than vaginal, as you mentioned once that she said that she doesn't feel much in her vagina. Some women, even though they may really enjoy anal sex more, feel that they are somehow betraying their femininity, and thus seek to distance themselves from it for psychological reasons.

Bottom line: talk to her about your needs and wants, stop being the sexual martyr and work out a compromise.

[gurlcrazy]

Yep, if the medical issues are worked out, all that's left is to talk it out.

[Dreamer]

Thanks for the advice, I know it just comes down to talking it out, like we did when her libido disappeared. I was just hoping to see if anyone had gone through something similar before and maybe get the opinions of a few women on his forum, so I could approach the conversation with a better understanding of her feelings.

You mentioned that your partner said there's just too much work involved in getting ready for anal sex. You also mentioned douching as something you guys did in the past before some of your anal activities. Not knowing your situation, exactly, I can only assume that she feels that she has to do all of this to get ready for anal sex. There are many who would disagree with me, but enemas just aren't necessary for anal sex. My wife and I never use them. Many of the other members on this forum never do, either. If a woman felt like she had to douche before every anal encounter, then I can understand to some extent why it would be a hassle and too much trouble. Unless you or her are super squeamish, then there is no reason to have to perform all kinds of cleansing rituals first.

Thing is she actually enjoys it way more when she douches. I think it relaxes her more to know she's clean, and that makes for better ease of penetration and a more carefree approach that allows her to focus more on pleasure.

As for her stating that her vagina does not feel much, that is true only when she is tipsy, I guess it has to do with how alcohol dulls the senses.

[AssMan89]

Hey man,

I am not one of those older, wiser Forum users, but still I would like to share my thoughts with you.

As for my opinion, Anal Sex is by its nature something enjoyable for the active and the passive person. I do believe that if there is something holding a person back it must be wrong believes, bad experience etc. Therefore I think talking with your partner will be very important to find out how to achieve a mutually satisfying sex life.

I dont know your girl, so I wouldn't say that telling her straightly that it is what you need and want to be happy is the right choice. But it might be. I would be a bit more carefully and try to find out what reason exactly caused you two to stop having anal sex. Maybe its something totally different than you thought. Just get a conversation going Maybe afterwards it will be clear what to do next.

And regarding the cleaning part: I can understand her. Of course preparing for anal sex can be something annoying or even uncomfortable. But on the other hand she needs it to feel clean an safe. But this is just a mindset which can be changed.

It is possibly to think that the preparation makes anal sex even more special and its also possible to simply loose your fear that it might be dirty or even accepting the fact that it can be dirty and thats ok.