I want Anal Only, but how to break the news to my partner?

[Blamethefiancee]

I'm in an extremely complicated relationship at the moment. (My punishment for getting involved with a woman who's not only beautiful, but intelligent and independent as well)

She's told me that her personal rankings for methods of achieving pleasure are as follows...

1. Oral (giving)
2. Anal (but only if it causes her pain)
3. Vaginal

I'm personally thrilled with these choices. However, she's told me that she wouldn't be ok if I were to be dedicated to any one in particular.

My personal preference would be oral for prep needs and strictly anal. But she's not ok with that.

Any advice for convincing a woman who's very fond of anal already to make the switch to AO?

And yes I'm wanting this for selfish reasons because it's my preference. But I truly feel we could both be happy, more than just physically, if we made the change.

[zarafan]

My advice, not necessarily what you wish to hear, is give a little to get a little? When my last partner informed me--seemingly out of the blue and in contradiction to what limited evidence my skewed perspective was capable of observing--that she didn't enjoy anal sex, I told her that given the choice between staying with her and having anal sex, I would stay with her. But since what I wanted most of all was to have anal sex with her I didn't want it to be an either/or decision, and I certainly didn't want to pose the question in anything resembling an ultimatum. This approach maybe prolonged our relationship by about a year, during which we continued to have anal sex fairly frequently. Every relationship is different, and the needs of one partner never completely coincide with the desires of another. My first question would be: is anal sex a need for you, or a desire? The second is, what's more important: a meaningful relationship in which anal sex is already a significant component, or an AO relationship somewhere down the line with someone who may or may not mean as much to you as the person you're currently involved with? That is to say, I don't think the choice is between the imperfections of your present situation and an AO ideal; it's actually a choice between the imperfection of an imperfectible life and the risk of winding up with nothing at all (who knows but the next person attracted to you might not like anal sex at all?)?

To put it another way (and this is maybe a question for the broader group): what's so bad about vaginal sex? (N.B. I'm posing the question for the men on our list; I understand that for some women vaginal sex is painful or problematic and I'm not second-guessing their decision at all.) Granted, you prefer anal sex--I do, too, and that's why we're both having this discussion. But why would you begrudge your partner her sexual pleasure, however she achieves it? Why is her desire for vaginal sex any less legitimate than your desire for anal--particularly since it's her vagina and her ass?!

As someone currently single, even occasional anal sex would be an improvement over my current situation--as would occasional oral, occasional vag, occasional occasions. Holding hands would be an improvement over my current situation (but tomorrow is another day!). My advice is not to push AO as a commitment, but to encourage anal sex whenever she is amenable to the suggestion. It seems from your query that you've already broached the subject of AO with her, and she's said no. Respect her choice: relationships don't really work via cajoling or pressure, and once you've made a request, the chances of it being granted are seldom increased by repeating the wish! As others in this forum have stated, sometimes you wind up in an AO relationship even without realizing it. Maybe that's the kind of relationship your partner is capable of at this point? And maybe that's the best kind?

My two cents: I hope they help?

[singleinDC]

Do I understand you right -- she is insisting on some kind of vaginal contact?

[Blamethefiancee]

Not really insisting.

[yosemite]

I'm in an extremely complicated relationship at the moment. (My punishment for getting involved with a woman who's not only beautiful, but intelligent and independent as well)

She's told me that her personal rankings for methods of achieving pleasure are as follows...

1. Oral (giving)
2. Anal (but only if it causes her pain)
3. Vaginal

I'm personally thrilled with these choices. However, she's told me that she wouldn't be ok if I were to be dedicated to any one in particular.

My personal preference would be oral for prep needs and strictly anal. But she's not ok with that.

Any advice for convincing a woman who's very fond of anal already to make the switch to AO?

And yes I'm wanting this for selfish reasons because it's my preference. But I truly feel we could both be happy, more than just physically, if we made the change.

Suggestion: don't piss in the soup.

If you're as thrilled as you say you are, count your blessings and keep on keeping on. You've got a good woman, and a good woman is amazing. If you keep moving on, one of these times the music will stop and you'll be out of the game.

Cheers

YS

[LuvMyWifesAss]

Any advice for convincing a woman who's very fond of anal already to make the switch to AO?

And yes I'm wanting this for selfish reasons because it's my preference. But I truly feel we could both be happy, more than just physically, if we made the change.

Positive reinforcement is key. During anal sex do as much as possible to make the experience positive for her. Let her know verbally how much you enjoy it and appreciate that she is willing to do it for you. Let her know you feel closer and more connected to her. Stimulate her breasts and clit, rub her back, etc. At times when you've had anal sex, make her feel like a queen outside of bed as well. Conversely, you want to limit stimulation and positive reinforcement at times when you have vaginal sex. Of course, you shouldn't make this obvious. Some may consider this manipulation. However, if it brings both of you to a better, closer relationship, it benefits both of you.

[Blamethefiancee]

Positive reinforcement is key. During anal sex do as much as possible to make the experience positive for her. Let her know verbally how much you enjoy it and appreciate that she is willing to do it for you. Let her know you feel closer and more connected to her. Stimulate her breasts and clit, rub her back, etc. At times when you've had anal sex, make her feel like a queen outside of bed as well. Conversely, you want to limit stimulation and positive reinforcement at times when you have vaginal sex. Of course, you shouldn't make this obvious. Some may consider this manipulation. However, if it brings both of you to a better, closer relationship, it benefits both of you.

I do give her the royal treatment at all times. And I appreciate the advice, but it won't work in my case.

She actually doesn't want positive reinforcement. She's told me that she prefers me to call her bitch/slut/whore etc during anal. Also, it's a bit difficult to stimulate any other areas of her during anal because she keeps me busy by requesting that I choke her. She's a weird one, but she's hot and I adore her.

[zarafan]

That does sound like an unusual circumstance--but it also seems that you recognize and appreciate your partner for who she is and how you relate to one another sexually: all the more reason not to push AO if she's not willing. And I can well understand that if anal for her is really all about the weird stuff you describe, that it would only be an occasional experience rather than the norm--even less so the only variety.

Personally, with no judgments toward others intended, I would have a problem with overly brutal/dominant stuff like choking or demeaning language during sex; it's the opposite of what I'm looking for when I'm having sex and it's not at all what I associate with anal sex, which is rather the ultimate in intimacy and togetherness. I don't think I would be particularly good at playing that kind of dominant role, and I don't think I'd be very convincing at faking it. I'd of course try to give everything I could to a partner, especially in the context of anal sex! But I'd also want to discuss with her alternatives; is it possible we could mix things up and do the BDSM stuff in the context of vaginal or oral sex, but try a more "romantic" approach to anal? If she were to think of anal in a different light, would it be possible to renegotiate the dynamic generally in a direction you would prefer? If not, then my advice would be to you--to anyone--that you each have interests and desires that for the good of the relationship you have to negotiate and accommodate. This of course was the approach I took with my last girlfriend when she did an about-face (so to speak!) with respect to anal sex. And look where that got me...?

Anyway: you're in an apparently healthy relationship with an interesting woman whom you seem largely compatible with, and whom you obviously adore. That's the good news! Wishing you both much happiness and togetherness, without limits!

[yosemite]

Positive reinforcement is key. During anal sex do as much as possible to make the experience positive for her. Let her know verbally how much you enjoy it and appreciate that she is willing to do it for you. Let her know you feel closer and more connected to her. Stimulate her breasts and clit, rub her back, etc. At times when you've had anal sex, make her feel like a queen outside of bed as well. Conversely, you want to limit stimulation and positive reinforcement at times when you have vaginal sex. Of course, you shouldn't make this obvious. Some may consider this manipulation. However, if it brings both of you to a better, closer relationship, it benefits both of you.

I do give her the royal treatment at all times. And I appreciate the advice, but it won't work in my case.

She actually doesn't want positive reinforcement. She's told me that she prefers me to call her bitch/slut/whore etc during anal. Also, it's a bit difficult to stimulate any other areas of her during anal because she keeps me busy by requesting that I choke her. She's a weird one, but she's hot and I adore her.

Well, there's positive and then there's positive. If you love her, she can be your bitch/slut/whore/dirty girl in bed and your angel out of bed. Choke her (not too hard!) when you fuck her, and bring her breakfast in bed in the morning.

Enjoy!

YS

[analsexonly]

Positive reinforcement in this case would be whatever she enjoys most during anal. In other words, make anal the best experience it can be for her.