my introduction

[KinkyGermanGuy]

Hi,

I am Kai, male, 40+, living in New Zealand now. I am in a relationship now where we do about 80% anal sex. This has some rather disturbing background, as I just had two emotionally painful relationships behind me where I now have PTSD like anxiety, twitching and almost physical pain when thinking or doing erotic things that involve a woman's mouth, tits or pussy. Strangely anal does not trigger it. So until I am healed we just concentrate on what still works and gives fun.

[Haunter]

Hi Kai, welcome here. I never heard before of experiences which could trigger physical pain, hope not to experience anything like so...

[Sgt_Valk]

I am very sorry to hear about your traumatic past. Though i am kind of curious about what kind of experiences could have casued such a severe emotional stress, i will refrain from asking as i dont want to trigger you accidentally. In any case, welcome to the forum! You will find people here are friendly.

[singleinDC]

Many many paths to going anal only, it seems.

[KinkyGermanGuy]

My previous GF for a year who I adored very much and to whom I almost worshiped, became difficult. I loved her so much I could spent hours on just touching her gently and make her cum repeatedly for hours by gently touching. She started to behave in a way that is - as I learned in the end - called 'gaslighting', slowly destroying my self-confidence, my values. She punished me with love deprivation on situations I could not understand, periods of unbelievable intimacy, followed by ditching me, telling me she would block my phone number if I try to contact her further. She forced me to delete chats we had on facebook and TXT that showed how rude and abusive she can be at times. Every time I was ready to give up on her and move on, she came back and was as sweet as honey, just to ditch me a few days or weeks later again because she learned that in my emotional pain I was doing some not reasonable things. I do not fully understand psychology but as a result my body developed a kind of anxiety on being intimate or just close to someone, expecting to be hurt again. All the intimacy I focused on her during my time with her is now kind of poisoned with the expectation of emotional pain. That goes so far that I start to twitch and get anxious if I just see a plausible scene on TV where people behave intimate. A long kiss or holding hands on screen can trigger it.
I would not say that this form of PTSD is on the same level that war veterans have to cope with, partially rendering them unfit for daily life. But it is the same kind of reaction. Feeling anxious up to the level of panic if brought into a situation that my subconscious considers with danger and suffering to be expected.

[Haunter]

KinkyGermanGuy, thank you for your story. I think it must have been as living in Hell a situation like yours. Also the consequences of having mixed feeling about intimacy now must be a great and awful drawback I would not envy at all. I'm not an expert, but I guess it will need hard work to get back to natural feeling about love and trust, but that musn't be impossible!

Just to understand anyway, have you any idea about why anyone would behave in a horrible way like that, given that it may lead to upset feelings like those you are experiencing now?

[Haunter]

By the way: thank you for adding an avatar like I hope everyone did!

[KinkyGermanGuy]

I think there are a few issues playing together. The most important one is likely that her ex was having affairs. In a way she became controlling because he was so uncontrollable. Another issue is that we were on different intellectual levels - she doesn't know anything about science, politics, history, and has a plain clerk job. She likely felt inferior to me (I almost earn five times her salary for one reason) and this is one of the things that make people start gaslighting. Quote from http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/08/ ... know-about:

Overall, the main reason for gaslighting is to create a dynamic where the abuser has complete control over their victim so that they are so weak that they are very easy to manipulate.
The gaslighter wants to appear superior to the one being gaslighted. By making their victim feel completely helpless with very low self-esteem, the abuser has complete domination over them, so they are very successful in manipulating their victim to get whatever it is they want. This can range from simply having their ego stroked by feeling like they are significantly better than the person they are with, and at the extreme end to being able to gain financial, sexual or material benefits as their victim feels too emotionally and mentally weak to fight back.
There are many reasons that someone would gaslight someone else, but it is always done for personal gain. The abuser has very little interest in their victim, other than using them for their own twisted benefit. When the victim becomes so low down that they are no longer of any great use to the gaslighter the relationship will die out. The abuser will distance themselves by ignoring their victim and using silent treatment as an intense form of emotional torture.

I am quite sure she isn't aware of this, it is an subconscious defense mechanism. Similar to when I speak to my children in German, which she does not understand, she felt insecure and partially offended, because we might talk behind her back about her. She had much of a trust problem, and therefore developed these controlling behaviors that totally triggered her into a furious beast. The problem is that most of the stuff that triggered her happened during times when she officially has ended all things with me. Then when we somehow got together again and she learned about it it triggered the next breakup. I ended up in 2015 with serious depression and was on medication for about 8 months. If you know how it feels losing the person you love most in the world, all the grief, pain, crying. Take that fifteen times in a time span of about 9 month. I had two nervous breakdowns from that.