Wow!I've read so many posts and am so surprised there are so many others who feel like I do!!! There are obviously a lot of experienced people here and I truly feel humbled as I am such a newbie. So I hope you don't mind me maybe asking a few stupid questions sometimes. LOL.
So about me: I just turned 18 in March and I'm still a virgin and plan to stay that way until I marry. I'm an only child. My family is very traditional (we moved to the US when I was 7) and sex outside marriage is a huge huge huge! no-no. Women in my family are very modest and even talking about sexual anything with anyone but your husband is very strictly forbidden. My mother has never talked to me about condoms, menstruation, STD's, nothing! I have had to learn this all myself.
I try to respect my family's culture but deep down I've always felt like a secretly naughty rebel girl and the older I get the less I feel like I sincerely agree with so much of what I grew up with. I will be moving out of my family's home soon (I just graduated from a very religious and basically authoritarian high-school last month) and am about to experience so much freedom it blows my mind. I am going to have an entire apartment to myself in less than a week!!! I feel like I have really proven myself to my parents that they will trust me to be so autonomous, but compared to many of my older relatives my parents are actually extremely liberal. I will live less than a block from my aunt but I am getting my own place.
When my father finds a husband for me, I will probably marry him. This isn't really as scary as it sounds because I truly trust that my father would never want me to marry someone who wasn't right for me and I guess I have never expected anything else He has already hinted many times about one man in our community but I have made very clear that this man would not be my first choice and so he has almost stopped even mentioning him.
I'm not the body type most guys of my culture prefer - I've never been able to gain weight (I'm only 89 pounds and 4'9"), I had pretty bad acne until I was 17, I have narrow hips and I generally just look weak and small I think. And my breasts are only 28AA, I'm confident all men prefer a wife with at least something there but this is really important in my culture. My little boobies are basically pathetic. I still have to buy bras in the girls section because most stores have nothing in my size and I often see girls as young as even 11 years old with boobs far bigger than me. I usually wear little girl panties too just because they actually fit. I feel so inferior to most women most days, but this is a whole other sad story.
My whole life I've had to do what ever I was told with no backtalk or disagreement. My parents are kind and good people, but are very invasive in my life even now. I've always had to allow them into every aspect of my life and I feel like I'm just suffocated sometimes. My father openly brags to my relatives often that I am the perfect daughter and would never disobey him, or be disloyal or create a disgrace or embarrassment to our family and he's told numerous people that he is 100% confident that I am a virgin. My father insists it's his right to 'inspect' me down there so he can vouch for my purity when he talks about me with men about whose son might be interested in me, etc, etc. He has a lot of reasons for why he basically forces me to do this. I never thought much about this growing up but lately it's become almost humiliating.
My mother has never spoken a word to try to stop him, but I know she doesn't think it's appropriate but I guess she just feels it's my duty to respect my father in this way. A lot of my friends have experienced similar things with their families so I'm not even sure if I am over reacting and should just excuse it as being a cultural thing or what. Thoughts?? Please share?? But there are so many weird things about it - like that he always makes sure my mother isn't home when he wants to do one of these inspections. It use to be it would only happen after I would return from spending weeks away from home at my grandmothers in the summer or other weird times, but now it's much more frequent and he makes it much more of like a long ritual or something. It's hard to describe. I feel guilty but my mind is always racing with dirty thoughts when I know this is about to happen. It's so obvious how much he enjoys this, and he is always way more interested if I'm gooey... and he is usually so unhappy about his life in general so I feel horrible to make him feel its wrong so I never say a word and just let him have his "fun". We hardly even speak when this is happening and have almost never ever had any honest or open conversation about my sexuality.
I can't bring myself to watch porn though because I have read so many news articles about how many women are victimized and abused making it. But I have decided that I am going to give my self permission to explore my body beginning the day I move into my new apartment. It's my body! And if I am private no one will be disgraced so what is the harm? I just recently learned from google searching that I have what's called an imperforate hymen that basically blocks my vaginal opening. So I think any kind of vaginal masturbation is not going to work for me (this explained so much about my first so confusing experiences with menstruation too! So that is kind of how I discovered this place. My biggest fantasy is to stretch my but hole out to enormous proportions so the next time my father inspects me he will see VERY CLEARLY that I am taking control of my own sexuality!! While still respecting our culture and my future husband. I know he can't really make a big deal of it as long as my vagina is untouched because that is what is actually forbidden not anal sex. I have researched this and there are several very well respected authorities that say this is perfectly fine and is something to never be discussed between anyone who is not husband and wife. And when it comes to this part of our (almost secret) relationship I'm sure he wouldn't dare say a word.
So if anyone has any advice. What would be the fastest (and safest) way to quickly stretch me out down there? ideally to the point that I will just naturally gape wide open immediately every time. I want to buy some toys but I'm not sure what size to get I've never had anything but my finger up there. What about inflatables? I love the thought of this but all the ones I've found on-line seem gigantic and something I know I couldn't begin with. What about but plugs? Whats best for beginners? My greatest fantasy is to completely shock my father. He is always really gentle - almost too gentle - and to see my but hole traumatized at my own hands and look just totally utterly blown-out there and I can just silently dare him to say a word about it. I think there is a chance he will be so embarrassed and maybe we can start having a real one-to-one conversation about my sexuality without all the religious baggage. Sorry that was so long. Hopefully you don't think I'm too strange for this forum because I would love to hear thoughts and opinions.
