I met my current girlfriend last year and told her early on that I prefer anal. I'd say that, over the course of our relationship, we've done anal 80% of the time, with the remaining 20% split between vaginal and oral sex to completion. I've never explicitly talked about or proposed AO, but earlier this year, we went for several months doing nothing but anal.
Just so you know where I stand on the AO spectrum: I vastly prefer anal over vaginal and have a much easier time cumming from it. None of my fantasies or porn habits revolve around vaginal. But I'd also be willing to do vaginal every now and then, and I can cum from it when I'm especially horny. Sometimes, vaginal seems preferable to a blowjob if we're both especially horny and my GF's rectum isn't in great shape (i.e. constipation, just had a painful bowel movement, or anus destroyed from having anal sex the past several days.)
Additionally, while denying clitoral stimulation sounds good in theory, I'm quite content with doing what my GF and I do, which is for me to reach over and get her off with my fingers while I pound her in the ass.
I also think, for what it's worth, that my girlfriend very well might be fine if I proposed AO, but like I said, I'm fine with vaginal every now and then.
But now here's where things get a bit trickier. Her sex drive is a lot lower than mine, and she also has an extremely busy and stressful job that often makes her too tired for sex. Prior to committing to her, we were having anal sex 4 or 5 times in a weekend, but it seems that sex is getting less and less frequent. I had a talk with her about this quite some time ago and she offered to make herself available to me even if she's tired or not in the mood, and she's been doing this, but it's obviously not the same as when the woman is really into it and craves your cum in her ass.
Additionally, she broke the three-month AO streak by asking for vaginal fairly recently, and has been consistently asking for it more lately. Despite the fact that she knows I prefer anal, that she enjoys anal very much, and that it works great for getting the two of us off, I do get the sense that she really does enjoy vaginal and would miss it if we went AO.
She also said that if we have anal sex too many days in a row, her asshole can start to hurt, and she'd prefer to switch to vaginal. (And for the record, I use plenty of lube and I'm quite gentle with her, but as someone who likes having things done to MY ass as well, I view such a thing as unavoidable - someone tell me if there's something I'm missing here.)
And so now, I'll confess, to random strangers online, that I'm thinking of leaving her. There are three reasons:
(1) While it's great that we do anal nearly every time, the difference in sex drives is a big problem. I think on the whole we're fairly sexually compatible, but I can also imagine a woman out there with whom I'm much more compatible. Who begs me multiple times a day to put my dick in her ass. Who begs me to A2M her (something I haven't even brought up with her, but which I've done with other women.) Who fingers and toys her asshole when I'm not there. And who doesn't even want vaginal. Etc.
(2) While I get along with her just fine outside of the bedroom, we don't have as much in common as I'd like, and there are plenty of women out there with whom I have more in common.
(3) This is a whole separate discussion, but I have a fairly average partner count, and I've always been a serial monogamist. I've always wondered what it would be like to "play the field" for a little while, and the hope would be that after 10 or 15 new partners, I'd have a higher sample size with which to judge potential long-term girlfriends... and maybe I'd meet someone just as horny and obsessed with anal as I am along the way. I feel that I'm at the best point in my life I'll ever be in right now to play the field, due to where I currently live as well as my current job, and I feel I might regret not doing this while I'm still somewhat young.
Also, regarding point (1), I feel that I might have a chance of turning her into some kind of AO queen... at least, the prospects appear stronger with her than with anyone else I've dated, but I also suspect that I might have an even easier time with someone new. And I think that the sex drive difference is going to be a particularly difficult challenge - give me a nymphomaniac who is really kinky, but doesn't necessarily consider anal one of her kinks, and I might have an easier time turning her into an AO queen.
Okay, so with all the background out of the way, I want to ask: Do you think (non-sexual issues aside) I found someone pretty special, considering she is willing to do anal the vast majority of the time, and nearly every time I'm in the mood for it (even if she is not)? And to the men in this forum, if you were in my shoes, would you try pretty hard to hold on to someone like that?
One more thing: I believe her job is a big part of the reason she's often not in the mood for sex, and I suspect that in a few years (yes, that's YEARS) she'll be in a much less stressful and time-consuming job, and that issue will largely go away (judging from how things have gone when she's been off work). So perhaps another question is whether I could see myself staying with her for years, and potentially delaying indefinitely the idea of me "playing the field," for an even better sex life with her.
That's all, and I'd like to thank you in advance for your input.
- Posts: 103
- Joined: Tue Jul 08, 2014 1:57 am
- Gender: Male
- Location: Northern NSW Australia
She seems to be quite understanding of your needs while struggling (for now) to meet them. Perhaps you could move towards some kind of poly arrangement? You may find someone suitable in your local Fetlife community.
You could also consider seeking out a sex worker who can help you out. Might be less costly in the long run!
And as far as sex workers, I appreciate that suggestion as well, but I'm simply not interested, especially when I believe I could find someone on the side whom I didn't have to pay in a relatively short period of time.
So that you know where I am coming from, I have been going through relationship difficulties with my husband, which is partly rooted in our different sex drives and preferences. But we are trying to work through this together. I not trying to make a moral judgement as it is none of my business, but in fairness I think you need to work out what is most important in your life. If it is the sex and variety of partners, then really you should go your own ways because as I read it she must be committed and think highly of you to be making all this effort for you.
I would add that at this point in your relationship it is normal for the frequency of sex to lessen. And women as a rule do not have the same drive that men have.
In my opinion you are highly unlikely to find better elsewhere, judging from your criteria.
I wish you both all the best.
I appreciate your candor, and I thank you for your evaluation that I'd be highly unlikely to find better elsewhere.
To answer your question about what she wants, I feel that our relationship is exactly as she would like it to be outside of the bedroom. I provide her what I suppose she would want from any guy: Companionship, a shoulder to cry on, someone from whom to seek advice, someone to explore and adventure with, someone to do even mundane chores with or keep her company while she works, etc. It doesn't hurt that I'm a decent looking guy with a good job - meaning, she can show me off to her coworkers, which I guess helps in the climate of her workplace.
As far as sex, I believe she'd have a rather fulfilled sex life if we did it once a week and both orgasmed - regardless of which holes got us to orgasm. And in this way, we are rather different, because for me, sex is the most crucial part of any relationship, and I want lots of it (not that those other things aren't important, too).
To try to convince you that I'm not a sociopath, I'll add that I think she is a wonderful person, and I want what's best for her in life. It is for that reason that I don't want to waste years of her time, or even worse, marry her, only to find out that we weren't right for each other to begin with due to the reasons I mentioned in my original post. Better to end things early and give her a chance to find Mr. Right than to stay in a relationship that will inevitably be doomed due to my growing dissatisfaction. Better for me to be having conversations now about sex drives, sex frequency, the kinds of sex we have, and possibly, polyamory, and not when we're married. Reading your story has shown me just how bad things can get if you don't address these types of issues early.
And again, I thank you for your advice that I'd be hard pressed to find this kind of partner elsewhere. I'm definitely curious to see what the other members of this forum think regarding that, though.
Even in your millennial age group and even with your self-described outstanding qualities, you face a long, frustrating, and dicey search for an anal only harem. Anally tolerant women are hard enough to find; only a few of that number are willing to go anal only long term; and the tiniest subset will brave STDs by sharing you. Or maybe you will have to share them, and sometimes make do with sloppy seconds.
Look at the paucity of women who post regularly at this site. Out of tens of millions of sexually active women in the western world, how many do we have? Maybe 20, even with non-stop, illustrated support from Tumblr. Wake up, and count your blessings. At age 36, I finally won the lottery with keeper Carla, going through lots of rejection and two divorces along the way. Good luck, optimist. Your girlfriend will have a much easier transition to the dating scene than you -- if she hasn't already! How many suitors do you think she'd get with a single come-on post here, offering anal even once a month?
Yes, you have found a keeper. So keep her.
I really see no reason to leave my girlfriend for now, or to force some sort of talk about an open relationship, other than that I don't want to waste her time, but this post of yours is exactly the kind of response I was looking for.
Probably the big issue in general with our relationship is the different way the two of us approach work (for me, it's just about getting money so I can do the things I really enjoy, which is the opposite of her approach), and how her busy schedule causes her to both have a low sex drive, as well as to not be as present/available as I would like for spending quality time with me (something I didn't get into in my original post). But your post and Uncertain's post have been a nice dose of reality - I appreciate it, and welcome any other input.
I feel that I might have a chance of turning her into some kind of AO queen... at least, the prospects appear stronger with her than with anyone else I've dated,
That in itself a major reason she is a keeper! Women like her are pretty rare to find. Although seeing as though you want to leave her it seems like you've had your fair share and know of prospects that might be more anally obsessed as you are?
You want to have anal daily, but her ass/body/mind also needs time to heal and rejuvenate. Especially with this stressful job of hers consuming her energy. She's pretty committed to satisfying you if she is offering her ass when she doesn't necessarily want to. You've found a gem, man! If daily anal is something you really want, you're going to have to plan for multiple women who give up their ass to you regularly.
Who begs me to A2M her (something I haven't even brought up with her, but which I've done with other women.)
I'd be hard for me to be with someone long term who doesn't enjoy ATM. With how long you've been with her, she would be doing it by now if you've had other women do it without having to request it. You're in a tricky place. Good deal, but I see how you're making all these sexual compromises.
If you don't feel like in your heart you're getting enough anal and aren't as compatible with outside the bedroom, then perhaps you should take a risk, break it up with her and find out. There's plenty of other women who might be right for you.