Feeling conflicted

Curious about the anal only lifestyle or anal sex in general but have questions or concerns? Ask away here.
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heinousanus
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Feeling conflicted

Post by heinousanus » Thu Jun 21, 2018 10:15 am

Firstly, apologies for the long post but I want to give you guys as much context as possible so I can get some good advice.

TL;DR: I love and prefer anal sex, but I'm seeing a great girl who doesn't like anal at all and I want advice as to how to handle.

But first, some background about us...

Me:
Early 30s male, living in a country/city where anal is publicly frowned upon by most but where I've found some success finding sexually compatible partners who were into anal. I greatly prefer anal sex over vaginal but for the right partner, I don't have a problem compromising. I've had 4 relationships where anal was regularly on the table (at least once per week). Only 2 of these 4 were anal mostly (either straight anal or PIV and finishing with anal 80%+ of the time). If this helps, these were all serious relationships where we liked/loved each other for who we were outside the bedroom as well and these relationships ended due to reasons that have nothing to do with anal sex. I have never had an anal only relationship and would really like to be in one someday. However, I don't think I NEED one (partly because they seem so gosh darn hard to find/create!). I'm happy to oblige the occasional PIV if my partner wants and would die a happy man if my partner did anal at least 50% of the time.

Her:
Early 20s Nymph who can't get enough of me with an insatiable sex drive and higher libido than I have. So far, neither she nor I has a problem with this mismatched libido as it's not a huge gap and we communicate fairly well and do a good job meeting each other in the middle, so to speak. We have great sexual chemistry (rhythm, listening to each other's bodies, being attentive etc.) do plenty freaky stuff in the bedroom with her even expressing a recent interest in watersports which I intend to engage (I have no fetish for piss but when I'm with someone I care for, I find myself being open to all kinds of things I wouldn't otherwise be). Outside the bedroom, she's incredible. Honest, helpful, thoughtful, attractive and we click on a number of core beliefs and ideologies.

Now for the dilemma:
Before me, she's never really done anything anal (had her ass licked literally just once and didn't like it). Not a deal breaker, as one of my past partners had never so much as a finger in her ass before me and eventually grew to love anal with me and even prefer it to vaginal. I feel like with my current girl however, this is going to be a different journey. She's really not into anal and not because of some past trauma or anything specific. Anal just doesn't seem to be her thing. Still she's a good sport about it and has allowed me to lick her ass sometimes and permits the occasional finger back there during PIV sex. But even during these sex acts, I can tell she's not enjoying herself 100% as much as she normally does and I usually just stop the anal stuff once I realize this.

Things came to a head for us last night when we made a silly bet with each other and named what we each wanted if we won. She asked for a specifically romantic night which I'd love to do for her anyway, and she asked what I wanted if I won. I initially refused to tell her because it's anal, and I know she doesn't want it so I named something more mundane for my prize. She sensed that this is not really what I wanted and insisted on dragging it out of me so she eventually guessed and said "anal?", and I said yes. Her reaction left a lot to be desired. Just...kind of...quiet, pensive, I'm not even sure tbh. So I asked her what's on her mind and she said she knows I'm into "that stuff" but she's surprised I would say it to her. I reminded her that actually she said it and dragged it out of me. I feared this reaction and so tried to steer clear of the topic altogether. We just dropped it there, sat in silence watching TV for an hour, and then got horny, I ate her out and had our usual amazing PIV sex.

Questions I'd like to answer for myself (and hoping you guys can help me):

1. This would be my first relationship since discovering I prefer anal, where anal is off the table. Despite early signs that she doesn't seem open to exploring anal, should I exercise some more patience and wait it out some more*? If so, how long? I'd be particularly interested in hearing any feedback from persons who've dated someone for a very long period of time (years) where anal was off the table but eventually converted to anal mostly or AO at some point down the line.

2. I'm at the point now where I'm considering never bringing up the subject of anal ever again and seeing if we can be happy together. To my anal loving friends, have any of you had success being in a relationship with someone who doesn't do anal? Specifically, if you prefer anal and are currently in a relationship where you don't have anal sex or have anal very infrequently, are you happy? If so, what do you do, if anything, to satisfy your anal desires (eg. play alone, see other people in an open relationship)?

*For the record, we've been seeing each other for 8 months. In my past relationships, by now, there would have been some more progress towards anal.

THANKS IN ADVANCE!

amorous945
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Re: Feeling conflicted

Post by amorous945 » Fri Jun 22, 2018 8:53 am

I think the choice is pretty simple at this point, really. If you're thinking that this might end up being a long term relationship or one even culminating in marriage, then you have to consider whether or not you're willing to live the rest of your life without anal sex, since there is no guarantee that she'll ever enjoy it or even be willing to compromise. In theory, the love you have for your partner, coupled with all of the other positive aspects about this relationship you've expressed, on the surface would seem to be enough of a good foundation for a successful relationship, even without anal. However, life seldom follows theory, and you could end up always wanting something you can never have. In the early years of my marriage, my wife didn't care for anal sex. She would oblige me every so often (usually after I bugged her for it), but it was only to get me off of her back, so to speak. In frustration, I would often swear off anal sex because of this, but it was torment for me having to look at my wife's sexy, delicious ass and think that it was off limits to me for the rest of my life. Things did change over time, obviously which, I guess, at least gives you some hope that your girlfriend might do the same but, in my opinion, once a man experiences the pleasures of anal sex there's a good chance that he'll soon grow to prefer it. I doubt, based on the things you've said about your preference , that you would be happy in a long term relationship where anal is off the table. If I were you, I would give this some really serious consideration.

AnnoMundi
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Re: Feeling conflicted

Post by AnnoMundi » Fri Jun 22, 2018 2:01 pm

You have two choices, follow your head, or follow your heart. Anal is in your blood. Otherwise you would not be on this forum. Your heart desires anal. You're willing to compromise and settle for anal half of the time. That's your bare minimum. Your head tells you she's a nice girl, that you click together, that you have all the other things required for a great relationship. But it lacks anal. And it will most likely lack anal forever. That's why its your head talking and not your heart. The possibility exists that she might come around if you hold out for long enough, but then again the possibility also exists that you might win the lottery. Are you going to gamble your long term future with this woman on that slight chance?

If you follow your heart you will lose a great woman. Whom any man would be lucky to call his own. Except a man of course who craves anal. Anal only all the time if he could. Could such a man settle for no anal at all for the rest of his life? I think not. You might suppress this desire for a while, but not forever. And the longer you suppress it, the more unhappy you would become.

If you follow your head you will end up in a sexual relationship that leaves you unfulfilled. Emotionally you might click, but sexually you won't. Chances are it will work as a slow poison for the rest of your relationship. Maybe she will come around. Or maybe she will give you anal to please you. But not herself. And that could act as a slow poison for her.

To ask the question is to answer it. I think you know that this relation is doomed, you're just looking for excuses either way. Either to break it off now, or be convinced to stay. But either way you know it won't bring you happiness.

Take this for what it is worth, just some ramblings by some anonymous guy on the internet.

kingsman
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Re: Feeling conflicted

Post by kingsman » Sun Jul 08, 2018 6:45 am

I'm no expert by any means, having been married before and hoping she would change her mind. After moving on from my ex I've got lucky and like you there is an age gap.

8 months isn't very long - she may change. More so given that she's still young. And if she's really that into you I think it is quite possible that she'll see how important anal is to you and come to see that it is a small thing to do to keep you. Then maybe she'll learn to appreciate how special anal can be.

If she is the amazing girl you describe and you are compatible in every other way then I'd recommend that you give it more time. Re-evaluate in a year or two.

LuvMyWifesAss
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Re: Feeling conflicted

Post by LuvMyWifesAss » Thu Jul 12, 2018 11:54 pm

It takes time to cultivate an anal queen. My wife and I started having anal sex 27 years ago. We would usually start with vaginal sex, then move to anal to finish. Gradually, the vaginal became less and less, until it seemed almost perfunctory. It was my wife that suggested we just have anal sex. That was only 12 years ago. We've been anal only ever since.

I noticed an almost immediate increase in the frequency of sex at that time, from about three times a week to more like five. Gradually, over a period of several years, that increased to a routine of pretty much daily anal. Shortly after increasing to daily anal sex, I was able to penetrate my wife's ass with virtually no prep time. Just lube and go. Then, over the next several years, the amount of time we spent having sex increased, until it averaged 30-45 minutes.

I could never really have vigorous sex with her vaginally, as I would bottom out, or hit her cervix. To say the least, this was uncomfortable to downright painful for her. Now, one of her favorite things to do is lay off the side of the bed in the missionary position, while I stand and pound her ass until her pussy juice is running down her ass and I'm sweating like I just completed a workout at the gym. During this time, she usually experiences several orgasms. When these happen, she becomes somewhat sensitive. This is when she usually does ATM on me until she's ready to take my cock in her ass again. I can think of nothing better in life than to see my wife in total ecstasy, her eyes rolled back as if in a trance, and her tits bouncing back and forth while my cock is pounding balls deep into her ass. All the while, her empty, wet pussy serving as a reminder she'll never be fucked in her cunt again.

You need to let her know you would prefer to only have anal sex and see if she will agree to a period of several months of anal sex, at least three times a week. If so, I have a lot of confidence she will be on board with anal only.

This may sound crazy at first, but stay with me. I am a big believer in "fluid bonding." Several studies have found that women exposed to their man's semen on a regular basis feel more bonded. As well, they desire sex more often. These studies were, of course, done using women whos semen exposure was vaginal. I, and many others here, believe the effects of this exposure are compounded when the woman is exposed through anal sex, as the colon is better able to absorb the compounds that make up a man's ejaculate.

The trick is, ejaculating into her colon, rather than her rectum, and it remaining there as long as possible. Many women feel a need to go to the bathroom immediately after anal sex. This is usually due to the man's ejaculate in her rectum making it feel as though she has diarrhea. This is also where the dreaded "leakage" comes from. If you ejaculate beyond her rectal valves and into her colon, your semen will be contained there, where it doesn't produce the feeling of needing to use the bathroom. Furthermore, one of the functions of the sigmoid colon is to absorb fluids to produce a solid stool. This works well to absorb much of the seminal fluid, heightening the beneficial effects. This is why I recommend anal sex just before going to sleep. This will maximize the time your ejaculate remains in her colon.

This being said, I believe it is important that you have anal sex as often as she can tolerate, in the beginning. This will not only get her body used to frequent anal penetration, but expose her to your ejaculate as much as possible. Of course, daily would be ideal, but at least three times a week, evenly spaced. Semen has been extracted from rape victims who were sodomized up to three days after the event. Due to the folds in the colon, a bowel movement can pass without eliminating all of the ejaculate. This way, if you have anal sex at least three times a week, she always has some ejaculate in her colon. This will have a positive effect on her libido. The trick is helping her get past the initial period of frequent anal.

I've never been big on clit denial. My wife uses a butterfly vibrator or Hitachi wand on her clit about 60% of the time. It provides that little extra push to get her to orgasm just about every time we have sex.

One thing my wife does an the rare occasion she's not into it, is use her Ipad while I fuck her in the spoons position. On these occasions, I can often go an hour or more. All the while she's happy as can be to play a game or shop on her Ipad. You might suggest this to your girlfriend. That way while you're building up to more frequent anal, she doesn't feel like she has to be into it all the time.

Let me know what you think, or if you have any questions. I'm confident that, with the right guidance, she can become the anal queen you desire.

AnnoMundi
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Re: Feeling conflicted

Post by AnnoMundi » Wed Jul 18, 2018 4:22 am

LuvMyWifesAss wrote:
Thu Jul 12, 2018 11:54 pm
One thing my wife does an the rare occasion she's not into it, is use her Ipad while I fuck her in the spoons position. On these occasions, I can often go an hour or more. All the while she's happy as can be to play a game or shop on her Ipad. You might suggest this to your girlfriend. That way while you're building up to more frequent anal, she doesn't feel like she has to be into it all the time.

Personally though I couldn't think of a greater turn off then having a woman go onto ipad or cell phone during sex. These things already annoy me to no end when a woman has to check those abominations during a date, let alone during sex. It makes me feel like her social media coterie is way more important then I am. I severely wish, for the plague that he has unleashed on this world, that Steve Jobs roasts in hell for all eternity.

LuvMyWifesAss
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Re: Feeling conflicted

Post by LuvMyWifesAss » Wed Jul 18, 2018 6:31 am

AnnoMundi wrote:
Wed Jul 18, 2018 4:22 am
I severely wish, for the plague that he has unleashed on this world, that Steve Jobs roasts in hell for all eternity.

LOL. I couldn't agree more. I've been in the service industry for nearly 30 years now. When I started, we called a dispatcher at the end of each call to find out what we had. There were no pagers, no cell phones, no email. Now, you are half as productive, as your damn cell phone is ringing every ten seconds with a telephone call, an email, a text message... I don't know of another guy who's been around as long as I have that wouldn't want to go back to the way it was.

Now, as far as my wife using her Ipad two or three times a week whilst I plunder her ass... well, I'm getting to plunder her ass. Besides, she probably gets into it 50% of the time when we start out this way. Then, she's a much more active participant.

uncertain
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Re: Feeling conflicted

Post by uncertain » Wed Jul 18, 2018 9:33 am

There is such a gulf between women and men that I often think how do we ever manage to stay together? It's as much in the way we communicate as anything else. I'll go with the others who say to give it some time as it is still very early days and anything can happen.

From my own experience I know that when my husband started to ask for anal sex more often, that I took it as a sign that he didn't care one bit about my feelings. Look at it from her point of view, she is obviously anxious yet you make it clear you would still want to have anal sex with her anyway. To us that can look like you are being selfish. I would suspect that she doesn't want to talk about it or respond, by being avoidant, because she doesn't want to let you down or cause an argument. Again I would say that being conflict avoidant is common to us. Too often we end up trying to please everyone while not pleasing ourselves.

I'm sorry if none of this is useful to you but I only have my own experience to call on which is likely similar to your girlfriend. The difference is I have much more time invested in this relationship and am determined to make it work.

Don't be hasty. Talk and listen.

heinousanus
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Re: Feeling conflicted

Post by heinousanus » Mon Aug 20, 2018 2:04 pm

I want to thank you all for your replies. It's times like this that I swell with appreciation for this forum.

Quick update, We spoke about it under more civil terms and she's opened up to trying anal play. She's realized how important anal is to me and now allows a butt plug (she suggested we use it the first time). I've been patient and she is now beginning to experience some pleasure from anal (admittedly, relatively little pleasure compared to pussy stuff but...baby steps).

I may move further discussion on this subject to the general/share board but I'll keep you all updated. If THIS girl comes around to enjoying anal sex even semi-regularly, there is plenty hope yet for my fellow anal lovers who may not have found their best match.

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