Anal advice

[John]

Well, It's VERY funny, because I'm exactly on the same spot as you my friend. Being with my wife for 16 years and we have two kids 6 & 4 years old and I'm having exactly the same thoughts as you. He doesn't like oral, we had anal lately 1 month ago and the previous time was on August 2015 (yup, 11 months gap), which is very frustrating.

we talked about our sex life extensively and I simply think that we are incompatible. She simply likes plain sex, has no fantasies, etc, which make me feel trapped.

The problem is that we cannot force anyone to do things they don't and that makes me sad, because I have realized that this will not change ever.
From my wives perspective she has a husband which is never happy and will never get what he wants. This alone stresses her and she always is in a mood that whenever is sex time, I will always ask for things that she doesn't like.

It's a vicious cycle, where I feel that I always hear "no" from my wife and she feels that she can never satisfy me and that turns her off (which is of course understandable).

I have never cheated my wife and my moral code said, that no one should do that, but I think I'm starting to change now...

But, to be on topic, I do LOOOVE anal!

I don't want to cheat on my wife either but I don't want to leave her because we have a beautiful 7 month old daughter and my parents divorced just before my 12th birthday and it sucked at the time but it eventually got better but I love her family to much to leave her dad and I talk about everything I know things about him that no one else knows and I know it's a long shot for me to ever have another in law relationship like that again but yes it is very frustrating and I have often thought about giving up on sex all together because it's almost not fair that she gets what she wants while I have to suffer. Yes I go off sometimes during sex but it take so long sometimes hours before I can go off and most of the time I get so frustrated I just quit and roll over and go to sleep. I'm afraid for our marriage but I'm almost wondering if she even cares as much as she says she does, and I know that sounds harsh but when we did do anal she said it didn't hurt, just was a little uncomfortable after but she always went off way quicker doing anal and way more intense but she won't tell me why she doesn't want to do it anymore she just says she don't like it.

[FarmerDan]

It's not uncommon for women who have given birth to experience changes to their digestive system for a while which makes anal sex uncomfortable and is also hard to talk about.

The common experience of parenthood is that for the woman sex and spouse become less important for a while.

If this is the case in your marriage it might just be a case of waiting for a year or two until things return to normal.

[Analonely]

Many truths and misconceptions alike in this topic.

Men tend to be more perverted/objectifiers since they are, in general, more systematic than women, so there's some truth when somebody said they have sex for the orgasm. Women, on the other hand, understand lovemaking in a deeper (and must I say, more accurate) sense easier than men for they are, in general, more empathetic. Having that said, there are obviously gold diggers and scumbags regardless of gender.

Now... onto John's problem: from what you said, it seems like your wife fits the description of accommodation into the married life — she has a working husband (my guess), a child, a house, so she's pretty secured and settled and it may be the case that she used sex as means to get there. That may be untrue, though, after all... six years aren't six months. If you are sure that's positively true, then you married a con artist and honestly I don't think you would like to drag your life with such person.

In case that's not true, many possibilities arise. The first that comes to my mind is that you should realize you can't base your entire sex life/satisfaction with a person based on one specific single act. Sex is not means to something but an end in itself. You don't make love because you want to get off or because you want to do anal, you rather do those things out of appreciation for that person, out of what that person elicits in you (and that should be reciprocal, obviously). Sex and its ramifications are not the cause but the symptom of fond and amorous feelings towards a supposed special one, and women understand that better than men for the aforementioned reasons. Of course many people will argue that you don't have to feel all that in order to have sex and they're right, you don't, but you just can't expect it to be as good for its lack of depth and meaning, so it's pretty much like fucking as animals.

From what you said, apparently you do have a sex life and it seems incredibly selfish that you hang on to that as grounds to dismiss everything altogether. She seems to be really naggy about it but, then again, you also seem really selfish. It's no wonder that in this scenario love and desire will dissipate. It looks like a power struggle rather than a mutual moment of love and enjoyment. You nag her about wanting anal sex and she gets pissed for your insistence; you, on the other hand, feel "betrayed" and dismisses everything like a spoiled child: it's either everything as you want or nothing at all.

Talk to her, try to compromise and meet her halfway. Tell her how important that is to you but also to you both as a couple; tell her that you want it because she used to liked it, not just because you did. Ask her what happened, what changed. If you're not a 'confrontational person' then grow a pair and do it (unless you like to be bossed around and she likes it too). I can't see any relation succeeding on the long run unless there's constant clear communication between both parties, and that means you'll have to confront yourself and your spouse eventually.

P.S.: Many things I've said were my impressions based in your depiction, thus, I may be wrong/inaccurate in many aspects.

[John]

Many truths and misconceptions alike in this topic.

Men tend to be more perverted/objectifiers since they are, in general, more systematic than women, so there's some truth when somebody said they have sex for the orgasm. Women, on the other hand, understand lovemaking in a deeper (and must I say, more accurate) sense easier than men for they are, in general, more empathetic. Having that said, there are obviously gold diggers and scumbags regardless of gender.

Now... onto John's problem: from what you said, it seems like your wife fits the description of accommodation into the married life — she has a working husband (my guess), a child, a house, so she's pretty secured and settled and it may be the case that she used sex as means to get there. That may be untrue, though, after all... six years aren't six months. If you are sure that's positively true, then you married a con artist and honestly I don't think you would like to drag your life with such person.

In case that's not true, many possibilities arise. The first that comes to my mind is that you should realize you can't base your entire sex life/satisfaction with a person based on one specific single act. Sex is not means to something but an end in itself. You don't make love because you want to get off or because you want to do anal, you rather do those things out of appreciation for that person, out of what that person elicits in you (and that should be reciprocal, obviously). Sex and its ramifications are not the cause but the symptom of fond and amorous feelings towards a supposed special one, and women understand that better than men for the aforementioned reasons. Of course many people will argue that you don't have to feel all that in order to have sex and they're right, you don't, but you just can't expect it to be as good for its lack of depth and meaning, so it's pretty much like fucking as animals.

From what you said, apparently you do have a sex life and it seems incredibly selfish that you hang on to that as grounds to dismiss everything altogether. She seems to be really naggy about it but, then again, you also seem really selfish. It's no wonder that in this scenario love and desire will dissipate. It looks like a power struggle rather than a mutual moment of love and enjoyment. You nag her about wanting anal sex and she gets pissed for your insistence; you, on the other hand, feel "betrayed" and dismisses everything like a spoiled child: it's either everything as you want or nothing at all.

Talk to her, try to compromise and meet her halfway. Tell her how important that is to you but also to you both as a couple; tell her that you want it because she used to liked it, not just because you did. Ask her what happened, what changed. If you're not a 'confrontational person' then grow a pair and do it (unless you like to be bossed around and she likes it too). I can't see any relation succeeding on the long run unless there's constant clear communication between both parties, and that means you'll have to confront yourself and your spouse eventually.

P.S.: Many things I've said were my impressions based in your depiction, thus, I may be wrong/inaccurate in many aspects.

Thank you for your input, I figured someone would bring up selfishness, but based on my compromising as stated before in some of my comments on other threads I believe that my request for anal occasionally even once a week is not asking to much beings that there are several instances that I have done things for her that I didn't want to do just because she wanted to try it, one being a three some with another guy and a few of my hobbies are nothing more than a day dream now because to her they are either to dangerous or a waste of money or both. So that being said I agree that she has gotten really comfortable in our relationship but my request for one particular sexual act is not selfish, and anyone that would suggest that I suppress my desire altogether and just please her to the fullest and deprive myself of ultimate pleasure, clearly has no understanding of mutual love and compromise and I am the only one that seems to be making any comprise in this relationship (also mentioned in other threads) not only in our sex life but outside of the bedroom. And as for your statement about talking to her, I have talked to her twice possibly more (also mentioned in other threads) and me not being a confrontational person doesn't mean I don't have balls I assure you, I will try to defuse a fight if possible but if all other options have been exhausted then I'm not going to back down if a fight is inevitable. Also based upon our humble begining I would venture to say that she isn't a gold digger or con artist, just possibly a little to comfortable with our relationship and possibly still doesn't understand why I enjoy and desire anal so much, also our communication as of late has been slacking I will admit but I pride myself in saying that we have had much better communication than many couples that have been married for 20+ years. And I will also admit she does have IBS and that probably has alot to do with the uncomfortable feeling afterward, but that being said even tho her body shows much more enjoyment performing anal than she will admit, she still says that she didn't like it even when we where doing it more frequent. Based on her statement she has never liked doing anal she only did it for me which I expressed the utmost gratitude and in fact as many men in this forum have mentioned I felt more connected and intimate with her but for her to go from tolerating/secretly enjoying it to adimately denying any sexual actions regarding her ass is beyond me. If you have read my other post you will have seen that during this wait period before we start trying to have another child we have been having to use condoms and as any man knows they desensitize the nerves in the penis thus cause much sexual frustration as in my case where my only option at this moment is to get her off as I try to get mine then jackoff to relieve pressure or just give up all together and just give her pleasure at my expense and discomfort because as I also mentioned she doesn't like performing oral either. But as I said before thank you for your comment, and sorry if I come across wrong in my reply as I do not mean to, the sexual frustration has made me a bit more snappy and less tolerant and for that I apologize.

[Analonely]

First things first: in order to better understand each other we ought to take good care of the way in which we express and address to each other (in this case, writing). Please, I beg you, out of respect and in behalf of every forum member, try to be more organized and careful whenever you're writing. It doesn't have to be bloody Shakespeare, but it cannot be splashed all over like you're doing: sentences beginning without previous ones being finished, help asked with references scattered through alien posts (no links provided), no division whatsoever across subjects, everything written as a chunky messy train of thought, etc.

From this alone I can guess that you're really anxious, confused and again, kinda selfish/spoiled, since you don't really take the time and care to convey your message in a way that others will easily understand. You also might be just passing through a rough time, which is completely understandable.

I'm sorry I couldn't get a better picture but, then again, I can't go hunting your comments through the forum. It appears, though, that you're approaching sex in a reciprocal way rather than mutual: that means you're treating a love activity as a business transaction (I scratch your back, you scratch mine). If you treat lovemaking like that, sooner or later you'll inevitably run into trouble. If you didn't want to do a threesome with another guy then you shouldn't. Compromising is the ability to trust your partner's decision in spite of your own convictions, not doing it as a transactional token of credit later to be exchanged for favors. If you do that, you defeat the very purpose and mutuality of a love relationship and eventually transform your married life into a business rather than a sacred engagement.

You seem obsessed with anal sex rather then attentive to her needs or the needs of you both as a couple. It feels like you think you have the claim over something which, again, should be mutual, not reciprocal, and the inability to see this makes you feel cheated out of what you believe to be rightfully yours. As you can see, it isn't so, hence your troubles.

Based on her statement she has never liked doing anal she only did it for me which I expressed the utmost gratitude and in fact as many men in this forum have mentioned I felt more connected and intimate with her but for her to go from tolerating/secretly enjoying it to adimately denying any sexual actions regarding her ass is beyond me.

This statement of yours touches one the very essences of lovemaking: she did it out of the love she felt towards you and you, in return, felt grateful for it. Then you go on and extrapolate the most precious thing into a selfish desire when you say her denial is beyond you. Given this practice is of utmost importance to you, given there are no moral objections and no considerable physical harm towards her, you might begin to ask yourself, and her, if she really loves you. The problem, as you can see, is deeper than it looks, and it won't be solved if she just lets you fuck her in the ass; it's rather how she does it, out of what feeling she allows you both to engage in this practice.

If you have read my other post you will have seen that during this wait period before we start trying to have another child we have been having to use condoms and as any man knows they desensitize the nerves in the penis(...)

Condoms do not desensitize nerves in any sense whatsoever (unless you buy specific condoms that numbs the skin temporarily, which is a totally different thing from desensitizing nerves). To 'desensitize' nerves you must damage them, and I can't see a way in which condoms could do that.

(...) thus cause much sexual frustration as in my case where my only option at this moment is to get her off as I try to get mine then jackoff to relieve pressure or just give up all together and just give her pleasure at my expense and discomfort because as I also mentioned she doesn't like performing oral either.

It seems like you're both engaging in sex for the wrong reasons. You're not a moving dildo to pleasure her at your expense, so you also shouldn't have sex if you're not comfortable! Again, given this practice is important to you, given there are no moral objections and no considerable physical harm towards her, you might really begin to ask yourself, and her, if she really loves you and is as committed to this relation as she should.

Keep in mind that everybody suffers mood swings and those affect our actions in a daily basis, so, we all fluctuate within a certain of range. Depending on the intensity of the experience (in this case, having a baby) it may take more or less time to return to the average. What I think you should do is make sure she understands how your sex life (and everything else in the basket: oral, anal, etc.) is important to you and how committed she might be to the wellbeing of you both as couple. Whichever activities you used to do were always out of love, so you shouldn't pound your focus on the activities themselves but rather on what elicited them. Question her love, not her ass (but again, do not transform this into a blackmailing token!); if you understood what I said, try to convey it to her.

Best of luck

[John]

Thank you sir I'm sorry for my reaction to your previous reply I have been pretty frustrated, and sorry for my lack of references I completely agree with what your saying in regards of it being a scattered mess, I believe that to be because I am so frustrated and don't know what to do but I also understand that as a marriage our love life is to be mutual and that's where it worries me because it's almost as if it's all about her, and I have no problem with giving her pleasure but I wish she would consider my feelings about it as well as I have expressed to her many times.

Also for me condoms do in fact desensitize or maybe a better word would be dramatically decrease friction witch is the primary action that causes ejaculation, thus also explaining why anal feels so much better to those that perform the act.

I'm not harping primarily on anal I just want to change up our sexlife a little to reignite the passion instead of it just feeling like work.

[777joee]

Well, It's VERY funny, because I'm exactly on the same spot as you my friend. Being with my wife for 16 years and we have two kids 6 & 4 years old and I'm having exactly the same thoughts as you. He doesn't like oral, we had anal lately 1 month ago and the previous time was on August 2015 (yup, 11 months gap), which is very frustrating.

we talked about our sex life extensively and I simply think that we are incompatible. She simply likes plain sex, has no fantasies, etc, which make me feel trapped.

The problem is that we cannot force anyone to do things they don't and that makes me sad, because I have realized that this will not change ever.
From my wives perspective she has a husband which is never happy and will never get what he wants. This alone stresses her and she always is in a mood that whenever is sex time, I will always ask for things that she doesn't like.

It's a vicious cycle, where I feel that I always hear "no" from my wife and she feels that she can never satisfy me and that turns her off (which is of course understandable).

I have never cheated my wife and my moral code said, that no one should do that, but I think I'm starting to change now...

But, to be on topic, I do LOOOVE anal!

Sadly I'm at the same point in my life except I waited to long hoping for change. Married 38+ years and in a passionless relationship that you stay together for the kids is Ok but once the kids were grown 10 years ago I should have left. Never thought about myself. Not looking for full AO but as a treat or something different other than vanilla sex. She has become her mother and I did not marry her mother.

[John]

Well, It's VERY funny, because I'm exactly on the same spot as you my friend. Being with my wife for 16 years and we have two kids 6 & 4 years old and I'm having exactly the same thoughts as you. He doesn't like oral, we had anal lately 1 month ago and the previous time was on August 2015 (yup, 11 months gap), which is very frustrating.

we talked about our sex life extensively and I simply think that we are incompatible. She simply likes plain sex, has no fantasies, etc, which make me feel trapped.

The problem is that we cannot force anyone to do things they don't and that makes me sad, because I have realized that this will not change ever.
From my wives perspective she has a husband which is never happy and will never get what he wants. This alone stresses her and she always is in a mood that whenever is sex time, I will always ask for things that she doesn't like.

It's a vicious cycle, where I feel that I always hear "no" from my wife and she feels that she can never satisfy me and that turns her off (which is of course understandable).

I have never cheated my wife and my moral code said, that no one should do that, but I think I'm starting to change now...

But, to be on topic, I do LOOOVE anal!

Sadly I'm at the same point in my life except I waited to long hoping for change. Married 38+ years and in a passionless relationship that you stay together for the kids is Ok but once the kids were grown 10 years ago I should have left. Never thought about myself. Not looking for full AO but as a treat or something different other than vanilla sex. She has become her mother and I did not marry her mother.

I agree sir and that's my worry as well but now that we have a kid and she wants a couple more idk what to do.

[John]

My wife is for sure not going to do anal anymore, so my question to the group is how can I just forget about anal all together. I don't want anything to happen to my marriage so if anyone knows how to make sex more enjoyable without anal please let me know. Thank you

[F655A]

I'm right there with you guys. I can tell you, it could be worse. Just try to imagine no sex at all.

As soon as my wife's hormones changed, EVERYTHING changed. I've been waiting patiently for 9 years, 7 months for things to turn around. The only thing that has changed is ME. I've had to learn perseverance, patience, acceptance, the meaning of love, the Zen of living, etc.

I now wish I'd gone for what worked for me, so that I would have enjoyed life more. But I chose the other route, and now hope that inner development is actually worth something in the long run.