Hello all. I'm from Maryland originally, but been in Phoenix for years now with my wife. We're far from AO, but while I don't outright state that I want anal only, I certainly wouldn't be opposed to it and at wish we had anal nearly every time we had vaginal, but it hardly happens.
My wife had a traumatic experience years before meeting me and from that, along with her just being generally high strung, extreme and very sensitive, she can barely tolerate anal at all unfortunately, despite it being able to make her cum easily, quickly and very hard. But outside when she cums, she says she doesn't really like it. Weirdly enough tho, she has said and shown so may polar opposite perspectives about anal, such as preferring me cumming in her ass versus her vagina (per her words, tho she doesn't like cum much at all in any capacity), watching anal vids now that I've put her onto them whenever she does actually watch porn even on her own, being into pain sexually speaking, stating how the orgasms are undeniably stronger and easier to attain during anal and that she'd do it for me more and even getting into it a bit sometimes for me during the act), but she's just too in her head about it, thinks its nasty, a sin, scared of pooping and everything.
We've taken pretty much every precaution, and every sort of pre-warm up actions, foreplay, etc. (lube, rimming, massaging/caressing, watching porn, plugs) to get her more in the mood and at the best of those times, 1nce when she initiated it (tho we were both planning on utilizing our day off together to get it in that way), she seemed to very graciously enjoyed it that time, but just holds onto all the negative stimuli in her head about it. God I wish I could change her pov on it and get it more often, as it's almost all I think about these days and while she could go the rest of her life without ever doing it again, I can't imagine going without it again and want it to be a regular part of our sex lives. Any suggestions? Please help.
Hello from Phx
Re: Hello from Phx
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. Be blunt, be kind, and settle things straight. If she doesn't want there's no point in this endless struggle — same goes if she wants.
When I was younger I was very talkative, patient and fond in such a way that it was emasculated to a great extent. I treated women in a way that made them feel I was an equal when clearly that wasn't what they wanted or, better yet, needed. If you give the opportunity to a confused and anxious person to make a choice on their own, you're not really helping, you're just making it worse or, best case scenario, not making anything at all. That's when you have to lead, to give away confidence and security thus releasing that person from all the doubt, fear, anxiety and the such. You'll also have to learn to stomp your feet whenever it's necessary. Obviously, it's a very thin line, but this whole clash is part of what makes lovemaking between a man and woman such a marvelous endeavour.
When I was younger I was very talkative, patient and fond in such a way that it was emasculated to a great extent. I treated women in a way that made them feel I was an equal when clearly that wasn't what they wanted or, better yet, needed. If you give the opportunity to a confused and anxious person to make a choice on their own, you're not really helping, you're just making it worse or, best case scenario, not making anything at all. That's when you have to lead, to give away confidence and security thus releasing that person from all the doubt, fear, anxiety and the such. You'll also have to learn to stomp your feet whenever it's necessary. Obviously, it's a very thin line, but this whole clash is part of what makes lovemaking between a man and woman such a marvelous endeavour.
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Guy_Incognito
- Posts: 15
- Joined: Thu Mar 16, 2017 10:08 pm
- Gender: Male
Re: Hello from Phx
Analonely wrote:You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. Be blunt, be kind, and settle things straight. If she doesn't want there's no point in this endless struggle — same goes if she wants.
When I was younger I was very talkative, patient and fond in such a way that it was emasculated to a great extent. I treated women in a way that made them feel I was an equal when clearly that wasn't what they wanted or, better yet, needed. If you give the opportunity to a confused and anxious person to make a choice on their own, you're not really helping, you're just making it worse or, best case scenario, not making anything at all. That's when you have to lead, to give away confidence and security thus releasing that person from all the doubt, fear, anxiety and the such. You'll also have to learn to stomp your feet whenever it's necessary. Obviously, it's a very thin line, but this whole clash is part of what makes lovemaking between a man and woman such a marvelous endeavour.
Very good advice. I let her know how I felt about it, a multitude of times. While she understands my viewpoint, she's still rather reluctant. She did last say that if I could finish faster or about the same time as when she cum, it'd be easier for her to do it often, as she says after cumming, it always contracts in a way that causes her much pain right afterwards. But she's typically in pain almost the whole time according to her, except for while she's cumming. Due to all the previously mentioned things, she just can't get her head around being relaxed. At best, it'd have to be almost immediately after having some drinks, cuz that's about the most successful times we've had with her not getting as tensed. Still was tensed and nervous tho, just reduced.
Re: Hello from Phx
Those contractions aren't rare; they're also gone after a little while, so typically you'd be able to continue after a couple of minutes.
Lovemaking is a mutual act, therefore, there can be NO concessions. What I mean by that is that it's not o.k. to make trade-offs, e.g. "I'll go down on you if you give me your ass." or, even worse, she saying "We'll have anal if you fix the sink.". If she says she's in pain (bad kind of pain) for the whole time except when she's cumming, that means she's a making a concession towards you. This can never work out for the best since she's struggling to do something exclusively or almost exclusively to make you happy. In another words, she's making a sacrifice, so the whole act will be tainted by this tonality whenever you engage in it.
If you want this to prosper, then the first step is making sure she's comfortable enough to enjoy the act as a whole — as a deliverance, bonding and loving experience — not as a sacrifice. In order to do that, from the things you said, you must practice a lot before you can both enjoy pleasurable penetration. This may take days, weeks or months, but you cannot rush this process.
Talk to her, set realistic goals either in terms of plug sizes, amount of fingers, time of "training" and work for it. You both must be committed in achieving those goals, and that's when you come in bringing what I said last time (confidence, security, etc.). Make it clear for her (and for yourself, if it isn't clear by now) that you won't settle for doing it while she's uncomfortable and if it so happens that she is, withdraw from it altogether. Refraining from orgasm in any way until you've both achieved this might help her a lot; you can also refrain from cumming yourself as a sign of good faith and commitment.
Never lose track of this: lovemaking is MUTUAL.
Lovemaking is a mutual act, therefore, there can be NO concessions. What I mean by that is that it's not o.k. to make trade-offs, e.g. "I'll go down on you if you give me your ass." or, even worse, she saying "We'll have anal if you fix the sink.". If she says she's in pain (bad kind of pain) for the whole time except when she's cumming, that means she's a making a concession towards you. This can never work out for the best since she's struggling to do something exclusively or almost exclusively to make you happy. In another words, she's making a sacrifice, so the whole act will be tainted by this tonality whenever you engage in it.
If you want this to prosper, then the first step is making sure she's comfortable enough to enjoy the act as a whole — as a deliverance, bonding and loving experience — not as a sacrifice. In order to do that, from the things you said, you must practice a lot before you can both enjoy pleasurable penetration. This may take days, weeks or months, but you cannot rush this process.
Talk to her, set realistic goals either in terms of plug sizes, amount of fingers, time of "training" and work for it. You both must be committed in achieving those goals, and that's when you come in bringing what I said last time (confidence, security, etc.). Make it clear for her (and for yourself, if it isn't clear by now) that you won't settle for doing it while she's uncomfortable and if it so happens that she is, withdraw from it altogether. Refraining from orgasm in any way until you've both achieved this might help her a lot; you can also refrain from cumming yourself as a sign of good faith and commitment.
Never lose track of this: lovemaking is MUTUAL.
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Guy_Incognito
- Posts: 15
- Joined: Thu Mar 16, 2017 10:08 pm
- Gender: Male
Re: Hello from Phx
Analonely wrote:Those contractions aren't rare; they're also gone after a little while, so typically you'd be able to continue after a couple of minutes.
Lovemaking is a mutual act, therefore, there can be NO concessions. What I mean by that is that it's not o.k. to make trade-offs, e.g. "I'll go down on you if you give me your ass." or, even worse, she saying "We'll have anal if you fix the sink.". If she says she's in pain (bad kind of pain) for the whole time except when she's cumming, that means she's a making a concession towards you. This can never work out for the best since she's struggling to do something exclusively or almost exclusively to make you happy. In another words, she's making a sacrifice, so the whole act will be tainted by this tonality whenever you engage in it.
If you want this to prosper, then the first step is making sure she's comfortable enough to enjoy the act as a whole — as a deliverance, bonding and loving experience — not as a sacrifice. In order to do that, from the things you said, you must practice a lot before you can both enjoy pleasurable penetration. This may take days, weeks or months, but you cannot rush this process.
Talk to her, set realistic goals either in terms of plug sizes, amount of fingers, time of "training" and work for it. You both must be committed in achieving those goals, and that's when you come in bringing what I said last time (confidence, security, etc.). Make it clear for her (and for yourself, if it isn't clear by now) that you won't settle for doing it while she's uncomfortable and if it so happens that she is, withdraw from it altogether. Refraining from orgasm in any way until you've both achieved this might help her a lot; you can also refrain from cumming yourself as a sign of good faith and commitment.
Never lose track of this: lovemaking is MUTUAL.
I'm aware of that and have even told her that, the whole concessions thing. Trust, it's not how I'd like to go about it either. Also, we've done all the training and waiting time to get to set points and whatnot. She just generally can't relax at all, unless she's had drinks beforehand. Even then, she has to have either drink quite a bit (she doesn't drink a lot, but claims to metabolize alcohol really quickly) and/or do it almost immediately after the drinks set in, in order to maintain her more relaxed state. She's just naturally just very high strung and due to her past, her feelings about anal in general and everything else regarding sex, it'll probably be several more years before she's truly comfortable in her own skin about sex overall, let alone anal. And we've been together for 12 years now and it took about 10 years in (9 years from the point of actually first stating my interest/request in anal) before we got to the point that full penetration was possible and the very first time it was a success to the point where it she was tolerable with it (she ended up cumming twice on that time as well), she actually initiated it after a night of drinking and hanging with her friends.
Re: Hello from Phx
I'm sorry for the troublesome situation you're in. 
Nevertheless, I think this is where you should step in as a man: it seems that you're letting this "trauma" take control over the situation instead of you both, so the the boat is rocking ever so slowly towards its destination without commitment, only hope (two very different things) or vague wishful-thinking/desire.
I know this will sound like bullsh*t since we're anonymous in internet forums and lying is a commonplace practice, but my first girlfriend (and mind you, love of my life) was raped twice in her childhood (first time she was very young, something like 7 or 8 years old; second time she was around 12 or 13), both anally. We were together for 5 years and during the majority of this time we did anal virtually every single time we made love. Now that I think of, we started dating while she was... 17 I guess, so 4-5 years apart from the last traumatic event. Back then I didn't have a penny of what I have now in terms of knowledge, experience, attitude, ability, etc., but that didn't prevent us form having regular and enjoyable anal sex.
Talk to your wife, buy some plugs, set realistic goals and help her achieve them. Let her be comfortable until she meets a plug about your size. Then... well... then have fun!
Oh! Last but not least: buy a VERY GOOD LUBE. Good lubes are expensive but also a must, specially for beginners. Don't buy lubes that get sticky with time (K.Y.). My favorite ones are from Pjur, you should give it a try.
Nevertheless, I think this is where you should step in as a man: it seems that you're letting this "trauma" take control over the situation instead of you both, so the the boat is rocking ever so slowly towards its destination without commitment, only hope (two very different things) or vague wishful-thinking/desire.
I know this will sound like bullsh*t since we're anonymous in internet forums and lying is a commonplace practice, but my first girlfriend (and mind you, love of my life) was raped twice in her childhood (first time she was very young, something like 7 or 8 years old; second time she was around 12 or 13), both anally. We were together for 5 years and during the majority of this time we did anal virtually every single time we made love. Now that I think of, we started dating while she was... 17 I guess, so 4-5 years apart from the last traumatic event. Back then I didn't have a penny of what I have now in terms of knowledge, experience, attitude, ability, etc., but that didn't prevent us form having regular and enjoyable anal sex.
Talk to your wife, buy some plugs, set realistic goals and help her achieve them. Let her be comfortable until she meets a plug about your size. Then... well... then have fun!
Oh! Last but not least: buy a VERY GOOD LUBE. Good lubes are expensive but also a must, specially for beginners. Don't buy lubes that get sticky with time (K.Y.). My favorite ones are from Pjur, you should give it a try.