AO dating is impossible

[gracie]

I'm 24f and frankly very conventionally attractive. I've been AO for almost 5 years (3 of that being in a relationship). I travel for work, and I spent a lot of time in big US cities, where there's a huge dating pool. But next week will be a full year since I've had sex.

If I don't say anything upfront, most guys will seem cool with it at first. But then later reveal that they're not. I was just talking to a guy tonight. We met online maybe 6 months ago. I haven't been back to where he lives yet, so we haven't met up, but he was probably my best prospect. And we'd sexted in the meantime.

Tonight things are getting steamy and he tells me how much he wants to fuck my pussy.

I was like, "well.. that's literally the one things that's off limits for me." We've talked about a lot of light DBSM stuff, bringing in another person, etc. Nothing else have I said no to.

He goes on to tell me how hard it's going to be for him to not fuck my pussy. He can't help himself in the moment. Sorry, but I'm 100% not having sex with you now. If you cannot respect my ONE LIMIT, how am I going to let you handcuff me?

I wish one day I could find a guy who is actually INTO it. I'm not sure he exists though...

/rant

[FarmerDan]

Most of us have been there <sigh>. And it's not just about AO either, if you're not too keen on convention finding the right person for you can be traumatic.

In my experience, around about the time you decide the drought is going to continue for the rest of your life, the deluge starts.

Hang in there. Maybe you're looking under the wrong rocks?

[Opus 54]

Hi Gracie, welcome to the forum! You hit the nail on the head when you wrote, "If you cannot respect my ONE LIMIT, how am I going to let you handcuff me?" In fact, assuming you actually want a relationship and not just casual sex, I'd make this statement even broader: "If you cannot respect my ONE LIMIT, how are you going to respect my other needs in a mutually loving relationship, not all of which may be convenient for you?"

If the guy can't live without vaginal sex, fine, you're sexually incompatible, move on. It's better to know that now than to have him drop a bomb on you in a few years that he's been unhappy and wants a change or end the relationship. There is unquestionably someone out there who is a better match, you just have to have faith you'll find him.

Here's the secret I've found in my experience: don't seek a partner based on sex or specific sexual interest, but do seek a partner based on his general approach to wanting to make you happy and feel good in the relationship. When your foundation is a desire to do anything to make your partner happy -- my partner's happiness is my happiness, after all! -- then add in some healthy communication about sexual desires and anything is possible, including an anal-only lifestyle.

[Haunter]

Hi gracie! Look, in this forum I thibk you can learn so much and find so much support either. Listen to all very experienced advisers among us and things will get better!

I would like to add a side (open) question to the thread: do you think it's tougher for an AO woman or AO man (both supposed straight) to find an AO partner? Usually are men who claim that quest is very hard...

[adventurista]

You know, I hadn't really thought about it so much from the female AO perspective. But I imagine you are right. Finding a good partner and one that is not only ok with AO...but really happy with that situation probably isn't the easiest thing to find. I wish you the best of luck. Maybe this forum could add a small dating section, although I am pretty sure any AO females who posted might get a bit swamped with offers.

[Simba]

Here's the secret I've found in my experience: don't seek a partner based on sex or specific sexual interest, but do seek a partner based on his general approach to wanting to make you happy and feel good in the relationship. When your foundation is a desire to do anything to make your partner happy -- my partner's happiness is my happiness, after all!

I don't see how that would work if she really wants anal only and no vaginal sex whatsoever. Meeting people without warning them about her preference and expecting them to turn anal only because they'd "want to make her happy and feel good in the relationship" is self-centred and unreasonable. What about THEM being happy and feeling good? If you don't target people that are into anal or at least open to it, you'd meet people statistically wanting vaginal sex, and why would her preference come over theirs? Especially if she doesn't want vaginal at all and therefore can't adjust/bargain?

Being upfront seems much more reasonable to me.

I would like to add a side (open) question to the thread: do you think it's tougher for an AO woman or AO man (both supposed straight) to find an AO partner? Usually are men who claim that quest is very hard...

From my experience, the problem is a woman into anal/anal only is afraid to appear as a slut. Being a slut is fine, it can be fun and all, but even if you're into name calling or doing naughty stuff, you have to be respected as a person and be able to trust your partner.
That's sort of my bonus as a bisexual man, my partners know I also like it in the ass, and they know I won't treat them as inferiors just because they prefer anal (the negative side being that they prefer straight men for monogamous relationships, but hey).

[gracie]

From my experience, the problem is a woman into anal/anal only is afraid to appear as a slut. Being a slut is fine, it can be fun and all, but even if you're into name calling or doing naughty stuff, you have to be respected as a person and be able to trust your partner.

Yes, pretty much this. I wouldn't say I'm "afraid to appear as a slut," as much as I'm very aware of how most men perceive women who are upfront about the sexual desires. That's why I don't bring it up until we've already established a connection and a certain level of trust. Most men are weeded out before that level.

But then even the ones who claim to understand it and respect it still won't respect a woman's boundaries unless they already fit into their preconceived notions of what a woman's sexual desires should be.

[analsexonly]

Hi Gracie! First, welcome to the forum!

I'm afraid this is the challenge when we have a strict personal sexual need like anal only, trying to find others compatible with it. Personally, I've found that being up front pays off. Not immediately, not posting it publicly, but after a few conversations when it feels natural for sexual topics to start coming up, that's when I mention that I'm anal only. If a potential partner isn't interested at that point, it's easy to both recognize our incompatibility and move on and try again. And that does certainly happen. But it also happens that someone is interested and wants to continue.

Good luck in finding the right partner who is open to and not only respects your need for anal only, but is enthusiastic about it himself. You've certainly got our support and encouragement to keep trying!

[SmoothEnergy101]

Awesome Gracie,

All the good woman are sprinkled across the U.S and hidden like rare gems! Thanks for posting!

[UKAnalonlylady]

I would like to add a side (open) question to the thread: do you think it's tougher for an AO woman or AO man (both supposed straight) to find an AO partner? Usually are men who claim that quest is very hard...

Good question My personal experience as a woman is I'm still single and looking some 7 years on. Plenty of men who would like a fling or a one off any just like Gracie's experience on chatting a little it becomes quite apparent that they would not stick to anal only it's highly frustrating

Cup half full, I dearly hope my stumbling upon this site is going to finally lead me to the man I've been hunting for ! Good luck in your search x